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The Planetbakers: An Emerillian Race

Posted Over 14 Years ago by Riven

[unparsed]The Planetbakers are a mysterious presence in the universe; immortal, transcendant, and damn good cooks. Their skills are so great that they make Chefs, who are revered as gods themselves, look like they burn salads. Despite this, they are very much fallible, albeit their souffles are to die for, and their lives resemble insects to some degree. This is why they had virtually no competition when their race was evolving: Bugs aren't edible

All the information retrieved about the Planetbakers comes from the French who have deciphered bits and pieces of the Dragon Cookbook, stored in the Oven of Reality itself. What they know is still very little, in fact so little that I've condensed it all into a two-page conworlds post.

[b:e64100f91b]Planetmaker history[/b:e64100f91b]

The planetbakers were once a very mortal race in a different universe that transcended their mortal tastebuds, and over a long period of time, the universe itself. They invented the system of our universe. We have suns because, quite frankly, hydrogen tastes GOOD.

The planetbakers have existed for hundreds of billions of years, and I can make such an extravagant claim because I'm a conworlder, and being one gives me the right to say anything I want about any span of time. For example, did you know that 60,000,000,000 years ago, there was a planetbaker who decided that the precise ingredients of curry should be included in natural law? Well, thanks to conworlder bullshit, now you know!

[b:e64100f91b]Planetmaker Life Cycle[/b:e64100f91b]

Individual planetmakers go through a lifecycle of about 4 billion years, through which there are four phases:

Fucked-up Eggs -- 1.7 million years -- Planetbaker eggs are Ukranian, whose only physical presence is a yolk which tastes like raw sewage and a shell so ugly that sentient beings regularily invent weapons just so they can blame someone else and go to war with them. They begin by occupying concentrations of high-density spices, feeding off the smell and taste they produce. As those concentrations start to come together, the eggs inside them interact, expressing deep philosophical concerns, such as "What kind of fucking god would make us endure the taste of nutmeg for 1.7 million years?" It is because of this fact that planetbakers are atheist, and since I am a god, I see fit to destroy them 2.6 million years later, those bastards.

Gesundheit Larva -- 1.3 million years -- The next phase of a planetmaker life is its larva form. It is an enormous (thousands of miles on average) wad of snot that appears as a swathe of color, generally deep yellow or bright brown. Larvae seek worlds without soy, since they didn't realize they were allergic. That world also must be inhabited by a strong presence of Grains, although not wheat grains, for they are allergic to those as well. The world must be balanced by another source of taste and olfactory conflict (usually a moon made of green cheese), otherwise the larva's tastebuds will be too bored and both it and the planet will make a big sitcky mess (See the Big-Sticky-Mėss wiki). Otherwise, it will take up residence on a planet and start to create fantastic dishes, which will start to wander off and develop lives and meanings of life of their own, much to the chagrin of the planetbakers. Fortunately, they've recently learned how to get their masterpieces of taste and texture back.

Mid-life Metamorphosis -- 0.86 million years -- At some point, planetmaker larva will realize they've lived a very long time, and besides sneezing out their children and creating sentient plates of food, haven't really done much with their lives. So, to counteract their lassitude, they decide to disappear back into the Oven of Reality for a while, and while they're stewing in their own juices, the world's physical and magical systems will all go to hell, making its inhabitants wish that they'd just burn up and get it over with. Fortunately, the smell of their own non-physical flesh is enough to get them to become an:

Adult Star -- 0.43 million years -- They will depart their planet of origin and gather together some spices, then smelling how good their own burnt flesh smells when it's mixed with those spices, will ecstatically burn more and more of themselves, giving off light and heat into space. At some point, they will bake planets, to be consumed by the dragons that they created but I never went into detail about because I already replaced them in the text with either futurama references or a poorly written joke about grains (the staple in a vegetarian zombie's diet, incidentally). The dragons DO appreciate it, at least until they get hit upside their head by a high-projectile brownie.

Enlightenment and Death -- 1 second -- At some point in their journey to consume all their energies, they'll stop and think "Wait a minute, why didn't I just order a pizza?" And thus ascend to a higher realm of reality (known by some as Italy), and their thoughts will explode outwards as giant porcelain eggs along with their spices and generally make a more sticky mess than before.

Questions? Comments?

There are 5 Replies

[unparsed]I had been looking forward to hearing about these; thanks.
I'll have to read and think a bit before I can make a better comment.

Over 14 Years ago
eldin raigmore

[unparsed]Incidentally, much about the planetmakers' lifespans are based off this. Each lifespan of a planetmaker being equal to one day of Brahma, and each of its phases (save for the one where it dies) equal to a charana.

Also, I'm revamping this system a bit. Expect to see something Like this when I'm done.

Over 14 Years ago

[unparsed]And, I updated the information.

Over 14 Years ago

BTW "Planetbakers" is IMO a much cooler name than "Planetmakers". Way to go. 8)

Over 14 Years ago

Is there more yet?

4 Months ago

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