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My gf's suicidal vocalizations, her sister's subsequent death and my mental state and I guess general state

Posted 2 Weeks ago by Grey Echelon

This isn't a cry for help, this is a rant because recent events have made me feeling like hiding it here. I don't expect anyone to be able to say anything that can help and I don't expect it to be advice that can apply well to me because I'm me.

This has been extra relevant because, because of our financial situations and various other shit like looking after her other family gf is currently living under the same roof as her sister was. She's older than me. A few days ago or so my gf's sister died in a car accident, wasn't intentional apparently but this was just a few days or so ago before she and her sister got into a verbal (which sometimes turns physical) fight after so many times, and in short the exchange left her coming to me expressing her desire to die and seek out assisted suicide (this isn't the first time this has happened) and she has said several times times in the past, if it weren't for her family and how they'd find out she would have already done it. She doesn't do this for attention or hang it over me, in THIS case it seems like a cry for help hoping I the person she's closest to can ease her suffering if anything I think. Humans are complicated. Her sister is almost always the aggressor and her bipolar state can have her going from making threats to being super friendly, but she's also had a history of drug addiction and traits that can come with that like stealing money, physical abuse, ect. Lot of things I probably won't be mentioning but they were very close but more recently apparently starting particularly when she started going to college, this happened. For years my gf has said how done she is with her sister, and how much she dislikes her even wishing death on her. But now she can't help but regret it and wish she tried to be more accepting (even though the things her sister did puts her well within her rights to be done), focusing on her better sides, claiming that in her own ways her sister also wanted the best for her just as she wanted the best for her despite all of these ill feelings and wishing she could have gotten along and how much she loved her despite everything and so on. For days she's been saying things like this and feeling guilty when her mind even strays to even so much as wanting things to go back to normal because they can't be in her mind.

So far, she seems to be taking it fairly well all things considered yet I've experienced death of someone I came to care a lot about for even if I didn't know them nearly as long, and it didn't come on all at once. It got steadily worse for various reasons, some reasons may have been a unique product of my own experiences but even so it devastated me, and the only way I could possibly get any better was letting go and blotting out memories over time but I very much just wanted to give up for a variety of reasons for a while. I worry that it hasn't all fully kicked in for her yet. I worry with these extreme emotions she may one day lose any control of what's holding her back and even what makes life worth living for her won't be enough.

Her sister's death also reminded me of my one of greatest fears which is inevitable at some point because we all die, it could have been her. Losing my gf is easily one of my greatest fears, not only do I think she doesn't always realize she's still worth quite a bit to other people but to me as well, when she gets in that state of just wishing she could die and there was an easy out, she tries to convince me that I would be fine without her and that I'd find a way to move on and this is probably partially due to her sometimes wondering if she's holding me back. But she's not and I wouldn't be fine without her. I may live but I can't see myself not being living dead. No one will even remotely come close to the friend and so much more she is and means to me. Maybe I should be able to adapt without her but it's unlikely, even when I found her I was already on a downward spiral anyway trying to become a psychopath or some shit so I won't have to care about anyone or anything anymore so I won't be hurt or be distressed when I cause hurt or similar or so on. Didn't work of course and didn't do any good in the longrun. But then she came along and now even though I'm still losing my shit in some regards I am a better person partially thanks to her but not exclusively at all but she definitely helped. But my social life and life in general despite improving for a while again improving in part thanks to her feels like it's at a new low (and not due to covid, this was already a problem before that) despite her still being there and it's not due to her, I've tried to maintain things otherwise but it all fell apart for reasons unrelated to focusing on her.

And with what's left... I've lost my ability to trust as easily in new people, I expect something to go wrong, when I see implications that they may think less of me or might be annoyed, dislike, or whatever me I see it as a sign that they're not going to be friends longterm even though I know those things can happen. I may lash out. I may have extremely distasteful feelings towards them because it seems so clear in my mind what they truly think and what may happen given experience. She of course doesn't apply, but there are moments... like with anyone where I may have some brief doubts because we're all humans and humans suck and are worthy of contempt. I have already been rather "isolated" for a while now but it only gets worse, now I'm at the point where I have no real life, no real friends and no drive. And that's just what comes naturally to me I suppose, as if I'm wrestling with fate itself to not be what I am not only this way but in other ways(or at least it often feels like that) and even when I feel like I may have done something, that quickly cements itself into the norm or fades as if I only thought I could escape fate's "plan" for me. I don't know if there's really any truth to that, just how it feels. And there are other people I feel fairly comfortable with although not entirely, because I know within a second it could be gone because there was just some random change out of nowhere that may cause them to no longer care as much for me or turn them into an asshole or they die or something.

Trying to find something I can even so much as make my thing without getting paid for it, a passion project I can't even seem to make myself consistently do that. Let alone manage a full time job, it's just not happening. I've tried I really did, and being a high school dropout and potentially having other bullshit under my belt there probably isn't really much hope for it even if there was somehow a job that didn't make me want to die every day or claw at my own skin in frustration and I just can't have the energy for it, I'm not functional either physically or probably otherwise enough to hold it down, I will probably lose my mind. But even beyond that, like I'm terrified of driving for reasons like what happened to her sister and it certainly hasn't helped, it's why I haven't even bothered trying to get a license, I don't trust myself behind the wheel to always full pay attention when needed. This of course, also severely limits my possibilities but frankly there's nowhere I'd want to go anyway I just like to be able to spend time with gf and such there's not much I want out there at least not anymore and yet I can't help the feeling of patheticness, wasting my life ect. But I also kind of feel like that may be largely due to the expectations of society and not so much what I thought until I got dragged along into it. Yet there's probably also some other reason I feel this way. Moreover, none of the shit I tried and none of the shit I know of seems fulfilling or makes me feel any goddamn better about myself more like worse because I can't even consistently do simple things right in a timely fashion or because I can't adapt like other people can or whatever. Again, it feels like I'm wrestling against fate sometimes when I've tried to deviate from this.

I'm a failure, a mess, and pathetic. I've just accepted it even though depending on where I am, I hate saying it. Maybe I could have gotten back up somehow but I doubt I could consistently. It's almost as if I'm programmed to be this way. My small victories don't mean anything in the grand scheme and thus I don't feel I have much unto myself that makes things somewhat okay. Which is why, despite knowing for most people it's not a good idea she is what sustains me and I don't see a problem with that given my circumstances, I only see a problem in that she's human and can die (although who knows with how unhealthy I am I may well die first which, I'd rather not even though internally and sometimes externally I'm screaming or whispering "kill me" randomly lately). It's not that I can't find enjoyment in other things, it's just it can't all fill the void by itself, this is probably why when I was trying to go things more alone during my wanna be psychopath phase I still was considering making a tulpa just so I wouldn't have to feel so alone, yet it's something restricted to my mind. The temporary nature of life disturbs me, as does the unknown of what happens after life. As if, if we all had all the time even if most of that time may be spent suffering or living dead maybe just maybe we could have figured everything out and defied "fate" itself. But no, can't have that.

Lately I'm so frustrated, saddened, and left feeling hopeless on and off so many times at so many things be they petty or not or big deals. It's not like it's that way all the time at all, but it still happens quite a bit and without her it'd probably be a hell of a lot worse even though I already can express weird extreme sentiments.

But I do worry for her also because I genuinely think she's the best friend I've ever had and more, she's a great relatable person who despite her faults and "faults" and despite sometimes wanting not to or not seeming like she does, she cares a lot about people and she's probably one of the best people I know despite any "faults". An example that some part of humanity is salvageable (yes I know there are many people with many good things, but that doesn't mean it necessarily overwrites or makes up for all of the bad plus I'm just speaking from my person perspective and yes I consider myself part of the problem with humanity).

But, the way I feel even recently and all of the details is complicated and I really can't even try to put it into words or even get it all come into my head at once. So don't I guess take any of this as necessarily absolutes or remotely the whole picture if for some reason you cared to read this far. It's a complicated human mess.

There are 12 Replies


Oh ya, not to mention my future may depend on her and where her current line of works goes anyway because there's no way that the monthly income I do get will ever be enough on my own. It's not that I mind that itself, it's that it's just if something happens to her well I'm out of luck probably with the way things keep going lately. Then who knows what could happen longterm anything from homelessness to dead. There just keeps being a multitude of things dragging me down and then dragging me down in other regards as well when I already feeling I'm trying to overcome "fate" anyway. No fucking professional has been able to remotely help with this either, literally all they can do is refer to the basic fucking shit anyway if you want in that regard which I've tried at some point, didn't work and then was still too demotivated to even keep at it. Working out according to how I'd be comfortable with the possible body outcome with my limited resources through squats? Tried that for a good while, didn't work. Eating/drinking healthier? Still not working and probably still potentially unhealthy just in other ways anyway like most foods secretly are apparently. Fuck if I know. I'm having chest pains as I'm typing this funnily enough and I'm too drained and out of it to do much of anything about it at the moment.

Someone suggested I start drinking black coffee so at least I can have some sort of energy boost but knowing my luck and how that probably would work with my body I'd probably just crash fast and hard anyway. Even if it did work somewhat it probably wouldn't long enough for anything. Basically I feel rather trapped like this regardless.

2 Weeks ago
Grey Echelon
 

It's been a while since we talked, so forgive me if I forget. What issues with fitness are you having?

2 Weeks ago
9x19mm
 

Essentially I don't want to even risk many muscles, particularly as far as upper body is concerned. So I do what I said and still get shit. I haven't mentioned this to you before though other than the first part. Also have no equipment.

2 Weeks ago
Grey Echelon
 

Oh, you're trying to get some amount of fitness without it showing too much?

2 Weeks ago
9x19mm
 

Yes, if that fitness will actually do anything for me.

2 Weeks ago
Grey Echelon
 

hey knux, i just wanted to let you know i saw this. it's too much for me to read at 5 AM but i'll look it over tomorrow

2 Weeks ago
poptart!
 

I'mma start off with: I have anxiety, depression, ptsd, and have been suicidal for as long as I can remember. I'm 43. In March I will have lived longer than my father ever did. I say all that to let you know some of my perspective before I address your post.

Your gf's sister had a disease which regularly took control of her life away from her. The ways that irl facts played out for her depended entirely on how her brain chems were at the time. That means no one could have had a perfect connection to her. No one. No sister can overpower a psychological disease with love and hope.

So there's that. No one could have fixed sis.

As for "checking out early".... I've never gone a day without thinking about "it". But what keeps me here more than anything else is knowing what suicide (and really loss in general) does to the survivors. I can't put my partners, friends, family through that. AND HOWEVER MUCH I SUCK AS A PERSON (a lot) FOR THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME MY DYING NOW WOULD BE WORSE THAN MY HANGING IN THERE AND STILL SUCKING AT LIFE.

2 Weeks ago
Tek Shmansen
 

I feel like anxiety is playing hell on both you and your gf and I'm sorry. I wish you could feel some calm and peace (the lively kinds, I mean lol)

2 Weeks ago
Tek Shmansen
 

Yes, if that fitness will actually do anything for me.


From what I know, what fits your goals would pretty much just be low-impact calisthenics, i.e. calisthenics that are not isolating (push-ups, squats, etc.) or plyometric (broad jumps, burpees, etc.). Running in place, jumping jacks, isometric exercises like planking and bridging, thrusters, etc. should be at least closer to what you're looking for.

Does that sound accurate/feasible?

2 Weeks ago
9x19mm
 

...and yet I can't help the feeling of patheticness, wasting my life ect. But I also kind of feel like that may be largely due to the expectations of society and not so much what I thought until I got dragged along into it. Yet there's probably also some other reason I feel this way.

There certainly is. You are not experiencing the expectations of society. For the most part that's a figment of our collective imagination. What you feel are your expectations for yourself. Believe it or not, that's a good thing. You'd be even worse off if you were shameless, and so would the people around you.

Regarding your girlfriend's grief, your role should be as much of an emotional rock for her as you can imitate, provided you're stable enough to provide that kind of support. In time she will hopefully realize, even if she doesn't dare say so, that she has more opportunity for a fulfilling life without having to share a living space with her abusive, drug using sister. Unfortunately that's the easy part. Building yourself up - physically, emotionally, and financially - will be a lot of work, and it's better to start now. The alternative is to simply not do this and remain unhappy. Complacent misery is a siren song. Ignore it, and do what you already know to be right: Get the best job you can (even if it sucks), eat right (and exercise a little), and occupy yourself with other constructive tasks. That these small victories do not seem individually meaningful does not matter. It may take years to see the results you want, but do it anyway. There isn't a single reason not to.

2 Weeks ago
Famov
 

Thanks for sharing, Knuckles. Don't take this the wrong way, because I mean it as a good thing – this is probably one of your most coherent and understandable posts that I've read by you on this site.

I can relate to a lot of your feelings and experiences. I won't go through all of them, but I will say that I don't have a driver's license either. Like you, I don't really want one or feel like I need one, but I also recognize it's pretty limiting. Not a big deal at all when I lived in a small place like Hawaii, or a place with legit public transit like in China, but definitely a burden when I'm back here in Michigan. I get anxious at the idea of it, too, and I can completely relate to feeling like I lack the attention or concentration to do it.

This may be counterintuitive, but you could always get some lessons and get your license even if you have no plans to get a car or change your lifestyle to where you drive everywhere. It's good to have, after all, for just some occasions where you can if you have. That's what I think I'll end up doing before long, maybe this spring when the snow and ice goes away.

Like with everything else you mention, I'm sure you can do it if you want.

Besides that though, reading over your rant, I understand that all of this is probably overwhelming and it's hard to know where to start in getting your life back on track to where you want it. If I were a professional that could work with you one-on-one, I'd probably work with you to see if we could make some of your problems into actionable goals and maybe make some kind of plan.

But while I think it's a good thing that you shared all of this, I agree with Famov, right now your girlfriend's mental health is the main concern, and I commend you for this insight:

I worry that it hasn't all fully kicked in for her yet. I worry with these extreme emotions she may one day lose any control of what's holding her back and even what makes life worth living for her won't be enough.

I think that makes total sense. At the very least, she's probably going to have a lot of ups and downs going forward that you can be there to help with. I hope you can help her move forward in life, and also give yourself the care and love that you need to make sure you can move forward in your own life.

2 Weeks ago
Agis
 

So there's that. No one could have fixed sis.

In time she will hopefully realize, even if she doesn't dare say so, that she has more opportunity for a fulfilling life without having to share a living space with her abusive, drug using sister.

Thing is sounded like she was getting better just not in every way.

I feel like anxiety is playing hell on both you and your gf and I'm sorry. I wish you could feel some calm and peace (the lively kinds, I mean lol)

For sure but not just that I'd think.

Does that sound accurate/feasible?

Some do at least. Thanks for the tips.

There certainly is. You are not experiencing the expectations of society. For the most part that's a figment of our collective imagination. What you feel are your expectations for yourself. Believe it or not, that's a good thing. You'd be even worse off if you were shameless, and so would the people around you.

When people talk shit about losers and people who aren't working as if they're everything wrong, regardless of the reasons I would indeed call that an expectation of society or at least some people. And that shame only burdens me and those around me as well, and doesn't truly help be more productive at all if not more the opposite, because again, I can't even measure up anyway. It seems far more self-destructive than if I simply was just like "things may be much harder later on if I didn't do this" rather than feelings even more negativity over something I already struggle to control under the weight of even more negativity.

I did kind of imply I'm not expecting much help or anything with saying this, and no offense but this isolated from the rest of your post is kind of why. You see shame or insecurity or whatever as a powerful motivator to change things, and that's fine I guess but it's not the same for everyone.

Regarding your girlfriend's grief, your role should be as much of an emotional rock for her as you can imitate, provided you're stable enough to provide that kind of support.

I have been trying.

Get the best job you can (even if it sucks), eat right (and exercise a little), and occupy yourself with other constructive tasks. That these small victories do not seem individually meaningful does not matter. It may take years to see the results you want, but do it anyway. There isn't a single reason not to.

I haven't totally given up on that even though again I've basically accepted I'm a failure and whatnot. These things have all been tried to some extent and, it's very likely longterm it won't go anywhere but we'll see I guess. Some people really just aren't fit for this world though.

Thanks for sharing, Knuckles. Don't take this the wrong way, because I mean it as a good thing – this is probably one of your most coherent and understandable posts that I've read by you on this site.

You still end up sounding like you're implying that most of my posts may not be very understandable or coherent, and if that's so I still have to wonder if you've read or paid full attention to most of my posts. But if that's not the case then I can see it as a goo thing.

This may be counterintuitive, but you could always get some lessons and get your license even if you have no plans to get a car or change your lifestyle to where you drive everywhere. It's good to have, after all, for just some occasions where you can if you have.

Ya, I have been considering at least doing it just in case.

Like with everything else you mention, I'm sure you can do it if you want.

A lot of things are possible, but like I said I don't know if "fate" will allow it.

I think that makes total sense. At the very least, she's probably going to have a lot of ups and downs going forward that you can be there to help with. I hope you can help her move forward in life, and also give yourself the care and love that you need to make sure you can move forward in your own life.

Can only try. Whether or not that leads to anything longterm and stays consistent, even if it's regarding me feels out of the present me who tries's hands.

2 Weeks ago
Grey Echelon
 

Reply to: My gf's suicidal vocalizations, her sister's subsequent death and my mental state and I guess general state

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