__BACK__


Real Life


Anything that goes on in your life can go here.
WARNING: Mature content possible. Proceed with caution.
Since I'm feeling bummed out now and it doesn't matter here's some real talk and/or venting
Posted: Posted December 7th
Edited December 7th by KnokkelMillennium

Feel free to shit talk me or not give a shit.

I've been depressed again as of late. I did say things were getting better and they were but I also said it probably wouldn't take much for that to end. And it has been to the point where sometimes I actually sit down and think about what the best way to die is with what I have. I don't ever do it or come close to it I think in part because I fear the possibility of a horrible afterlife more than anything. But also sometimes when I'm depressed I get high strung and handle things in not really the best ways, which has probably been somewhat obvious. Regardless of the circumstances I could have handled so many things better.

Some days it really just is my gf that keeps me going at all. I've gotten a few jobs for a rather short while but it didn't go well. I'll leave it at that for now because I really do not want to go into that right now. One thing that gets me is the feeling that keeps coming back on and off that I have absolutely no future beyond well... her. I try and try but really I just find myself crying (yes I'm a grown man who sometimes still cries) in defeat. My friends don't really know what to do with me when I get like this and they don't really help much when this happens so I just sorta hang out and that's that. I haven't been interacting with them much recently either. Don't really see the point. I wouldn't be having fun, I would just be moping. I really am such a failure at life. Not always but I've slumped back into being a failure. I do want more out of life than just fucking hedonism (however post-scarcity society still sounds great) but I fail so much and I lose any will to try again.

I have such a problem with people too. I don't know for sure how much it is really just people being awful or my just seeing the worst aspects but I just don't want to be around people especially when I get like this, but I feel like I must be social and whatnot... I guess. Don't get me wrong though, some people I've known even now are consistently great people and I'm glad the world has them. But so often it just feels like I'm surrounded by awfulness and hopelessness, it feels like the bad outweighs the good so much and really I realize I am a part of that problem too. Deep down I just want all of the bad in the world to go away so much, not just pretending the good is outweighing the bad. I know that isn't saying much because it's something most people probably want for one reason or another but it's so daunting sometimes. It legitimately sometimes gets me thinking like some video game villain or some shit, "maybe things would be better if we simply did not exist".

My former best friend too it's been I think over 5 years now since he died (I could be wrong, I'm sorry I have a bad memory about a lot of things and I was actually trying to not let the whole thing get me down and forgot a lot of it too). I've gotten over it and yet now I remember. What friendship since had that kind of communication and understanding before? What friendship since had we talked as actively? Shared such a similar outlook on the world and similar beliefs? Similar convictions? I guess some may have came close but they're all either no longer friends or they're irrelevant in comparison. I want that back.

My family. Hardly interact with them. My mom seems so detached from this reality and any reality I want any part in anymore that talking to her would always prove worthless or worse. I could be shouted at about something mundane, or in rarer cases she may have gotten violent. My dad... he's okay. We just have nothing to say to each other. My grandma, cool but once again nothing to really say. My cousin, used to be good friends but we have nothing in common now and see things far too differently and I figured it was in both our best interests to just stop communication. The rest are just rather faceless to me unfortunately and I don't see that changing.

So ya I feel lonely and depressed still despite having a gf, but it's not that she's lacking I think. It's just... me. There's probably more I could say but it's not coming to me right now. I just want to either change this fucked up world or I want out of it right now.

Beyond this line some of what I'm saying applies to how I am and such on the site. I don't want any drama about it but I feel like saying something anyway since in the past few weeks I haven't had much of a life and some stuff that goes on here is involved with some of my problems.

---------------------------------

And as is probably obvious, I care far too much about what people think of me and what is said about or to me. It doesn't matter how much I have to do or what obligations I have, if someone says something to me on the internet that distresses me when I get in this depressive phase it's going to suck a lot for a good while. But please don't read that and think every reaction here I ever ever had is just due to anxiety because it's really not... I think. I just need to get that part of it out of the way.

YES, I do realize how I can say things that also hurt or distress others, and I actually do feel bad about it despite the impressions I often give... That either happens because it seems like that person has ill intent and I can't stand it so I do even more stupid shit or because I'm too much in the heat of the moment and don't want to appear as if I'm weak and just back down all the sudden mid-way and apologize thus taking away credibility from whatever point I was trying to make. It's not like I'm obsessed with appearing "strong" at all (I'm not even sure if it's about appearing "weak" but I'm using that as a way of TRYING to express what it's like), it's just an impulse thing I guess. But I do feel bad about it usually at some point EVEN IF I was pretty sure I was in the right. I'm aware of how I can be even if I argue against some of the details or situations.

settingsOptions
There are 15 Replies

Some of this I can relate to, some of it I cannot. I don't have anything particularly meaningful to say on most of it so I won't bother to try but I genuinely do hope you find a way past this.

yes I'm a grown man who sometimes still cries


People cry when we're sad, it helps us deal with the sadness. To bottle it in would be a less healthy option.

Posted December 7th by Moonray
Moonray

but I genuinely do hope you find a way past this.


Thanks.

Edited December 7th by KnokkelMillennium
KnokkelMillennium

Sorry to hear about all this man.

I know how a lot of this feels like. When I was back in America from February to January I lost my apartment, job, ended up breaking up with my girlfriend, and lost access to my bank account, all because I made a dumb mistake and miscalculated when would be a good time to take a break from China.

Anyway, being back in America without a job in my parents' place really really sucked, took a toll on my feelings of self-worth, not many opportunities to socialize. I was often sad and got anxious a lot.

I do suggest you try to get out more and socialize, though. I know it's hard and you don't feel like you want to, but if you try to push yourself, do your best to get in a positive mindset, that's the key to getting out of your rut.

Also, it's the holiday season, and people get a lot more depressed, so it's normal, but you should really try and go into it with a positive mindset as well and take the opportunity to reconnect with your family, friends, and maybe deepen your relationship with your girlfriend. They'll all be receptive to varying degrees, I'm sure.

Posted December 7th by Agis
Agis
 

I really am such a failure at life.

so if you think you are a failure what would you call a sucessful life

Posted December 7th by Brandy
Brandy

I'm also sorry that happened to you. I'll keep your advice in mind at the least. Maybe my drive will come back again. I was just like this for so long that it feels like now that I'm back in it, it's probably here to stay regardless of what I try to do.

so if you think you are a failure what would you call a sucessful life


Actually doing something of worth and not being a parasite.

Posted December 7th by KnokkelMillennium
KnokkelMillennium

The big dirty secret is that everyone's a failure at life.

But I think we've all noticed your state. I would just recommend you try to find healthy ways of dealing with it, or try removing things from your life that increase the stress. I can't help but notice that this forum, for example, gets you worked up. So if you're already feeling depressed, stressed, and high-strung from life, and then you come here and get all worked up, maybe coming here (at least, so often) isn't exactly a great thing to be doing. Maybe it only adds to that. (I found myself in a similar situation earlier in the year, where I was feeling anxious and stressed, and that being active here just made it worse, so now I spend substantially less time on here as I used to. Also had to spend a lot of time figuring out what exactly I enjoyed doing that helped me de-stress or feel better.)

Posted December 7th by Jet Presto
Jet Presto

Ya I can see what you mean even though at the moment there's no one I want to talk to available and I don't have much better to be doing. Especially since I don't even want to be playing some game or something. It really just does make things worse when things just get worse here TOO. I was thinking that but thanks for reminding me. It's just so easy to come here when it happens and there's nothing else going on and I can't even talk to anyone I want to at the moment because they're working or dealing with something or spending time with family or so on.

Edited December 7th by KnokkelMillennium
KnokkelMillennium

Hey man I'm sorry what you're going through. I had a really rough patch a few years ago as well. I have more to say but I'm at work - will try to say more when I have some time.

Posted December 7th by Vandy
Vandy

I can't help you. No one here can help you, but you can help yourself, and you have to want to make changes in yourself. It is a way of thinking, of philosophies of happiness, of positivity, a way of living, that you alone must explore. Your way of thinking must change, and your habits along with it. No one will provide this to you, ever, so you need to create it.

Professionals are better equipped to help you along this path, but it is really you who is helping yourself. You can do it alone with appropriate research or you can seek professional help.

Do not look for pities or sympathy, it will drive you further down the wrong path.

Posted December 7th by LLight
LLight

Don't get me wrong, I destress a lot by playing video games, but there's plenty of other stuff to do as well. For me, my biggest activity to help calm me down was kayaking - something I knew I enjoyed, but didn't realize how important it was until I started going out on my own. Not saying you should take that up (unless you want to); just that there are plenty of things to try.

Posted December 7th by Jet Presto
Jet Presto

The big dirty secret is that everyone's a failure at life.

This. The people that seem successful? It means they failed a lot.

Posted December 7th by Xhin
Xhin
 

Thanks Vandy.

I can't help you


Obviously. I don't expect you to either haven't you heard of venting before?

Professionals are better equipped to help you along this path, but it is really you who is helping yourself. You can do it alone with appropriate research or you can seek professional help.



And I'm telling you they always fail me and are sometimes worse than unhelpful. And it costs money. Sure I have insurance but how long at this rate? And why waste time on something that proven worthless to me? Don't presume this is looking for help.

Do not look for pities or sympathy, it will drive you further down the wrong path.


Did I say I was? I literally opened this by saying feel free to shit talk me or ignore it. I was just unloading.

Edited December 7th by KnokkelMillennium
KnokkelMillennium

For me, my biggest activity to help calm me down was kayaking - something I knew I enjoyed, but didn't realize how important it was until I started going out on my own. Not saying you should take that up (unless you want to); just that there are plenty of things to try.


I mean guess something like fishing sounds sort of okay. Alright I'll give it a go again and see if it does anything for me at all other than being a pain.

Posted December 7th by KnokkelMillennium
KnokkelMillennium

@LLight: You are right in that only I can help but I've already known that and it was always obvious. I just don't get why you seem to think talking about it is inherently bad. Is it really worse than just letting everything simmer quietly? Should I really always be silent?

This kind of comment is part of why I haven't let people know my problems lately. I would actually rather if you had just called me something awful or something.

Posted December 7th by KnokkelMillennium
KnokkelMillennium

Sorry if I sound antagonistic, I just hate being told things like it has to be just pity seeking, no I was just depressed and something compelled me to actually talk about my problems instead of continuing to bottle it up.

Posted December 7th by KnokkelMillennium
KnokkelMillennium
Reply to: Since I'm feeling bummed out now and it doesn't matter here's some real talk and/or venting

Enter your message here


Site Rules | Complaints Process | Register Complaint Facebook Page
GTX0 © 2009-2017 Xhin GameTalk © 1999-2008 lives on