Since I'm feeling bummed out now and it doesn't matter here's some real talk and/or venting
Posted: Posted December 7th
Edited December 7th by KnokkelMillennium
Feel free to shit talk me or not give a shit.
I've been depressed again as of late. I did say things were getting better and they were but I also said it probably wouldn't take much for that to end. And it has been to the point where sometimes I actually sit down and think about what the best way to die is with what I have. I don't ever do it or come close to it I think in part because I fear the possibility of a horrible afterlife more than anything. But also sometimes when I'm depressed I get high strung and handle things in not really the best ways, which has probably been somewhat obvious. Regardless of the circumstances I could have handled so many things better.
Some days it really just is my gf that keeps me going at all. I've gotten a few jobs for a rather short while but it didn't go well. I'll leave it at that for now because I really do not want to go into that right now. One thing that gets me is the feeling that keeps coming back on and off that I have absolutely no future beyond well... her. I try and try but really I just find myself crying (yes I'm a grown man who sometimes still cries) in defeat. My friends don't really know what to do with me when I get like this and they don't really help much when this happens so I just sorta hang out and that's that. I haven't been interacting with them much recently either. Don't really see the point. I wouldn't be having fun, I would just be moping. I really am such a failure at life. Not always but I've slumped back into being a failure. I do want more out of life than just fucking hedonism (however post-scarcity society still sounds great) but I fail so much and I lose any will to try again.
I have such a problem with people too. I don't know for sure how much it is really just people being awful or my just seeing the worst aspects but I just don't want to be around people especially when I get like this, but I feel like I must be social and whatnot... I guess. Don't get me wrong though, some people I've known even now are consistently great people and I'm glad the world has them. But so often it just feels like I'm surrounded by awfulness and hopelessness, it feels like the bad outweighs the good so much and really I realize I am a part of that problem too. Deep down I just want all of the bad in the world to go away so much, not just pretending the good is outweighing the bad. I know that isn't saying much because it's something most people probably want for one reason or another but it's so daunting sometimes. It legitimately sometimes gets me thinking like some video game villain or some shit, "maybe things would be better if we simply did not exist".
My former best friend too it's been I think over 5 years now since he died (I could be wrong, I'm sorry I have a bad memory about a lot of things and I was actually trying to not let the whole thing get me down and forgot a lot of it too). I've gotten over it and yet now I remember. What friendship since had that kind of communication and understanding before? What friendship since had we talked as actively? Shared such a similar outlook on the world and similar beliefs? Similar convictions? I guess some may have came close but they're all either no longer friends or they're irrelevant in comparison. I want that back.
My family. Hardly interact with them. My mom seems so detached from this reality and any reality I want any part in anymore that talking to her would always prove worthless or worse. I could be shouted at about something mundane, or in rarer cases she may have gotten violent. My dad... he's okay. We just have nothing to say to each other. My grandma, cool but once again nothing to really say. My cousin, used to be good friends but we have nothing in common now and see things far too differently and I figured it was in both our best interests to just stop communication. The rest are just rather faceless to me unfortunately and I don't see that changing.
So ya I feel lonely and depressed still despite having a gf, but it's not that she's lacking I think. It's just... me. There's probably more I could say but it's not coming to me right now. I just want to either change this fucked up world or I want out of it right now.
Beyond this line some of what I'm saying applies to how I am and such on the site. I don't want any drama about it but I feel like saying something anyway since in the past few weeks I haven't had much of a life and some stuff that goes on here is involved with some of my problems.
And as is probably obvious, I care far too much about what people think of me and what is said about or to me. It doesn't matter how much I have to do or what obligations I have, if someone says something to me on the internet that distresses me when I get in this depressive phase it's going to suck a lot for a good while. But please don't read that and think every reaction here I ever ever had is just due to anxiety because it's really not... I think. I just need to get that part of it out of the way.
YES, I do realize how I can say things that also hurt or distress others, and I actually do feel bad about it despite the impressions I often give... That either happens because it seems like that person has ill intent and I can't stand it so I do even more stupid shit or because I'm too much in the heat of the moment and don't want to appear as if I'm weak and just back down all the sudden mid-way and apologize thus taking away credibility from whatever point I was trying to make. It's not like I'm obsessed with appearing "strong" at all (I'm not even sure if it's about appearing "weak" but I'm using that as a way of TRYING to express what it's like), it's just an impulse thing I guess. But I do feel bad about it usually at some point EVEN IF I was pretty sure I was in the right. I'm aware of how I can be even if I argue against some of the details or situations.
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