Wanna know why I'm so ****ed up?
Posted: Posted October 12th, 2017 by Cupola
I'm starting to realize that most of my problems in life are due to my grandma.
At the time, I usually either ignored it, or tried to rationalize it as normal. But looking back at it, I now realize just how fucked up my upbringing was as well as some of the shit my grandma said and did.
I remember a few times as a child where she would be yelling at me for something in addition to name calling and/or saying hurtful things, I would say "You said you loved me." and instead of reassuring me of this fact like any sane or decent parent would have, she bluntly replied in a very serious, firm and angry tone "I changed my mind!"
She would often nag and yell for extended periods even for things that were relatively trivial, well past the point of getting a message across.
A remember a few instances where I would sometimes be misbehaving and she would bring up this story about this old bitty (whom I now suspect never existed) who would claim she could sense I was some evil child or a trouble maker or something when I was acting up and say "Don't keep him!" to which she would add "I think she was right!" And other instances where she said flat out "I shouldn't have took you in/kept you."
She smeared both my parents as well as my grandpa. When I asked about why I wasn't with my mom, she just tactlessly stated that she had me so she could get the welfare check. (Which I now know is fucking bullshit, and of course, contributed to my fear of women just seeing me as a meal ticket or ATM.) She claimed another time that at the end of a visitation with her, she claimed she said "Take the little fucker and get him out of here!" and while I have no evidence to suggest this, I'm starting to suspect that GRANDMA said that, not my mom, and she was just projecting her behavior onto her. When I was 16, she claimed my dad sodomized me as an infant which is obviously bullshit because there was no physical evidence. Her rationalization for this was that he had a micropenis which my mom says is bullshit. She also says that she had the nurse examine me at the hospital, but she "couldn't tell" which I think was her evasive way of saying there was no evidence. Nevermind the fact that he doesn't seem stupid enough to allow himself to get caught even if he WAS that deviant. She also smeared my grandpa a lot too. While he wasn't the greatest person either, he wasn't as bad as she claimed him to be, even though I had been brainwashed into believing it at the time.
She never let me grow either. She had me homeschooled most of my life, but never made an effort to get me to make friends or find any kind of a social life whatsoever. In the few early years I DID go to public school, she never let me have friends over. I think she once said "I don't want a bunch of kids running around here!" or made some other excuse about how she didn't want them climbing on the machines and them falling off and getting sued. She didn't take me to any kind of homeschoolers groups, and I didn't have any close friends until I was 16 which I only had 1 of until I moved out permanently. She never encouraged me to get full time work or assist in finding work. She let me go to an interview in sweatpants, for God's sake. Hell, sweatpants was most of I wore for my life and to this day. She also basically left me to rot on toxic internet forums where I was harassed, bullied, demeaned and trolled constantly by other narcs which just exacerbated and further cemented my issues. (Which is a whole other story in itself.) And despite the homeschooling, she was inappropriately lenient on me getting it done aside from the frequent nagging sessions that just made me hate it all the more.
There was sexual abuse as well. While I thought nothing of it at the time (Probably because I was under the naive impression that only creepy old men could be molesters), I remember her fondling my genitals a few times. And the worst was that while she never made, encouraged or commanded me to do so, she never discouraged me from touching her breasts, both with and without clothes. I thought nothing of it at the time, and we both treated it like a joke, but what made it unbearable was my trolls catching wind of this, and twisting it as me being or a molester myself or being "desperate" despite it having been gone on as long as I could remember. I became the butt of many painful jokes about it and I never heard the end of it for years. This is the first time I've openly talked about it since. Ironically, she had this obsessive paranoia about child molesters and under the guise of protecting me from them, she would make me use the women's (I.E. girls) change room for years until I was "old enough" to go by myself (or rather, refuse). There were little girls in there, who of course questioned why I was in there, to which she tried to rationalize away by covering my head with a towel. I was of course the only boy in there. Not appropriate or at respectful of my autonomy not to mention the privacy of the girls there.
That's most of what I can remember for now. This is the first time I've openly talked about this in this much detail. I tried burying and rationalizing it for a long time, but now I've come to accept that how I was raised was very abnormal and unhealthy and that the only way I can start to heal is talking about it.
I'm 27 now, struggling to hold down any kind of job, while I desperately long for companionship and children, while feeling like I'll be a useless bum for the rest of my life and die alone and unloved. Every time I try to do anything with my life, I usually end up crapping out within a few months. Usually due to boredom and not getting what I was which is genuine, heartfelt intimacy. All while being told by the masses that I'm unworthy of love and touch unless I "prove myself" and am happy with the idea of never being held or touched. It gets depressing and tiring.
There are 10 Replies
Reply to: Wanna know why I'm so ****ed up?