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thinking abt killing myself
Posted: Posted June 7th by susurrous

im so sorry im so sorry for being this way and bringing this here im so so sorry

There are 49 Replies

Dont.

Whats wrong?

Posted June 7th by S.O.H.
S.O.H.
 

Join the club. I think about it every day. The key is that you acknowledge that it's just a feeling and it will pass if you're patient enough. Ultimately you're in control, not your emotions.

Posted June 7th by I killed Mufasa
I killed Mufasa
long live the king

im worthless

Posted June 7th by susurrous
susurrous
 

I hope one day when you are 80, you look back on this time and think, "phew."

Edited June 7th by Vandy
Vandy

i cant make it 59 more yrs

Edited June 7th by Susurrous
Susurrous
Boo!

How are you worthless. I had these thoughts too in my late teens until I was 22. Things do get better it just takes time.

Posted June 7th by S.O.H.
S.O.H.
 

Realistically everyone's worthless. We're instantaneous blips in the grand scheme of things. But you get a life span and a healthy body (I hope) and you get to drive your meat skeleton around and do whatever you want for close to a century so why not just die another day and see what other bullshit the universe has in store? Some of it is interesting, right?

Posted June 7th by I killed Mufasa
I killed Mufasa
long live the king

i dont do anything except burden others

Posted June 7th by Susurrous
Susurrous
Boo!

i become a worse person every year and i was already bad

Posted June 7th by Susurrous
Susurrous
Boo!

Please don't.

Posted June 7th by Ghowilo
Ghowilo

I think everyone here likes you. What types of things do you do that could be considered bad?

Posted June 7th by Vandy
Vandy

What honestly comforts me and prevents me from killing myself is that I don't have to kill myself in order to die. The universe will take care of that for me some time before 2100. So why not stick around for the ride? My life isn't meaningful but it sure is weird and interesting. I dunno what it's like for you or what the right decision is for you. But why not wait a day, or a week, or a month and see if things get better? Or at least more interesting.

Posted June 7th by I killed Mufasa
I killed Mufasa
long live the king

I stay alive so I can watch star wars. I stay alive so I can have nachos one more time. So I can visit my grandfather. Whenever I want to die I just focus on what I will never be able to do again if I go right now. And it's a fight every ticking day and it's hard. But you're not alone. This community saved me.

Posted June 7th by I killed Mufasa
I killed Mufasa
long live the king

Just find something to look forward to and put up your shields.

Posted June 7th by I killed Mufasa
I killed Mufasa
long live the king

Hey brudda mayne, I know life's a bitch but you gotta hang in there if you wish to improve it. Tied my noose twice in October so I know where you're coming from, but I'm >so< damn glad I didn't go through with it cause I'm on fire now and life's good.

Hit me up on FB if you ever want to talk, blood.



Posted June 7th by Chain Chomp
Chain Chomp

Had no idea Chain. Not everyone talks about their depression I suppose. Glad you're still with us buddy, you're one of the best bros on this site.

Posted June 7th by I killed Mufasa
I killed Mufasa
long live the king

im selfish i demand a thousand things of my friends and society and give nothing in return im a burden and a freak i spread negatvity everwhere i go im ignorant and stupid and never do anything worthwhile

im not as strong as you, I killed Mufasa. idk what to look forward to. i look forward to seeing cetasaurus someday but idk when. i cant enjoy movies bc 90% of them trigger flashbacks of some kind. i dont have family to go see or anyone else except ceta. i physically cant taste food and im homeless and dont have a job so frankly im lucky to get to eat at all

i appreciate your words, i do, but they dont comfor tme at all and im truly sorry for that

Posted June 7th by Susurrous
Susurrous
Boo!

ty chain chomp

Posted June 7th by Susurrous
Susurrous
Boo!

Thanks, my man. Just trying to preach to my posse here! Y'all gotta live long, ya know?

Posted June 7th by Chain Chomp
Chain Chomp

I am sorry all I have to offer is anecdotal opinionated honesty. I don't do roses and sugar very well. Sounds like you have it rough. But the immediate battle is with your own brain, and then you can dog yourself out of your financial problems.

You are stronger than me. I live a middle class life and I am still suicidal daily. Just keep fighting man. It's all you can do.

Posted June 7th by I killed Mufasa
I killed Mufasa
long live the king

Dig

Posted June 7th by I killed Mufasa
I killed Mufasa
long live the king

i dont think i'll ever be financially stable or mentally stable. ive been suicidal since i was eleven. i cant keep fighting

im sorry abt all this
ty all for your help and for giving me a community these past several yrs
words cant get at how much you all have meant to me
im so sorry

Posted June 7th by Susurrous
Susurrous
Boo!

im having a v public meltdown on here and in the library im so embarrassed

Posted June 7th by Susurrous
Susurrous
Boo!

im too stupid to pass the GED im the dumbest person on this website probably the dumbest person in this town

nobody wants me im not worth it

Posted June 7th by Susurrous
Susurrous
Boo!

ive never been able to turn things around. i dont see a reason to think that i ever will. im weak and pathetic and broken

Posted June 7th by Susurrous
Susurrous
Boo!

Have these feelings been going on for a while? Either way, I would recommend seeking professional help from a therapist, or talking to your doctor. If this is how you have been feeling, it is worth it to at least try to get help that might relieve some of that anguish.

Overcoming these types of feelings is difficult, and can require years of effort. I think it's important to find ways to get out of yourself and your head. Looking at yourself as just a "burden" is misguided, as it is also kind of selfish (you presume to know what other people think or feel about you), and it's kind of off point about human relationships. Friendships are formed for various reasons, and people value you for all sorts of things. You don't really get to be the arbiter of your own value to other people. More to the point, if people are spending time with you or talking to you, that itself means something. Rather than spending your time focusing on the fact that maybe you don't know why, instead think of the fact that it happens at all. You'll drive yourself mad trying to analyze every human you come into contact with and figuring out what they see in you. Realize that if anyone at all wants to engage with you, that's a pretty big deal. Don't try to assess your own value in context of other people either. Find what you like about yourself, even if it's just really small stuff like, "I like cool movies" and build from there. Because if you continue to hold no self-value, and then also continue to push people away by declaring what they think or feel for them, all that winds up happening is you create a self-fulfilling prophesy. "I don't love myself or think I'm valuable, therefore no one else will. And now no one talks to me or spends time with me, so therefore, that proves I am not worthwhile and not worthy of my own - never mind anyone else's - love." It's a vicious cycle, but it is something you can crack.

But more importantly, self-love will also allow you to dictate the terms that you see your own value. It's hard to find "worth" through the lens of what other people think. You'll go bananas seeking that. I can't contribute in my friends' lives in sooo many ways I wish I were able to, that they are able to do for me. But for me, I find inherent value in the fact that I think I'm an empathetic and compassionate person. I value that trait highly in other people, so why wouldn't I value that in myself? Once I started doing that, I stopped judging myself based on some sort of "rate of return" with my relationships.

And really, if you're having episodes, particularly in public, you probably should talk to someone better trained and qualified to speak to about it. You deserve a respite from those feelings. Treat yourself to it.

Posted June 7th by Jet Presto
Jet Presto

Intelligence is measured in more than just your ability to take tests. You're not dumb, just mislead by society.

Posted June 7th by Ghowilo
Ghowilo

Hey bud, I also hated myself and everything until I was 21/22. You'll get over it once you realize that it's just adulthood haha!

Posted June 7th by Speed Bike Pro
Speed Bike Pro
 

Did anyone here call authorities or anything? Jc

Posted June 7th by Cetasaurus
Cetasaurus
formerly KM8

Jason was assisted by a librarian and taken to a shelter.

Posted June 7th by Cetasaurus
Cetasaurus
formerly KM8

uhhh

Posted June 7th by poptart!
poptart!
 

Thanks for the info.

Posted June 7th by Vandy
Vandy

Reading over this and what else I know about your situation it sounds a lot like I was and at some points kinda still am. Worrying about financial and mental stability all the time, worrying I'm too selfish, being far too dependent on friends and family, feeling like I'm bringing negativity pretty much everywhere not just some toxic places, believing I'm far too stupid and ignorant to matter, doing nothing worthwhile, Even down to the GED part, fuck I'm a high school dropout and I'm far from optimistic about what would happen if I tried to pass it at this point. Not believing it's even possible to turn things around, believing I'm weak and pathetic and that I should probably be put out of existence so I stop hindering the functional and "stronger" people. Even now I'm still not entirely sure how the fuck I'm even gonna secure a stable future and that may break me again at some point but I at least know better than to think like or do any of that now too much, but sounds like you really didn't end up lucky without family and going homeless and not being able to taste food though.

Well whenever you get back, really it doesn't seem like anyone here can help you long-term except Cet tbh. If you're feeling worthless or as you seem to be trying to describe it "parasitic" you have to do something to change that feeling one way or another. People CAN actually help a lot like in my case with but I don't think that's what you're "looking for", especially now considering you're homeless and stuff, which there is no advice I can offer for. Can't really say that trying to love myself more helped or worked, and can't really say all of the therapy, professional help, and medicine that I tried for years on end really made much of a difference either (though I won't say don't try it) I'm sure you have been told to try those things many times anyway, also can't really tell you to stop caring what other people think because I know firsthand how impossible that can be sometimes. But what I can tell you regardless of if Jet half beat me to it or not is you either need to reexamine how you define worth because clearly people here see worth in you just for starters clearly you are more than worth the trouble to the people who care about you, or you would need to start doing more things you already define as worth. If you can't do the latter, the former is a good way of looking at it despite what some people think. Let your good (especially the long-term ones) relationships be your worth if nothing else.

And aside from the topic of worth you do probably also need to feel better for the above to even work out because then the same mentality will just keep happening. Maybe find something to dedicate yourself to, something you really love doing something that makes you feel like you're making your mark on the world. If you can do it, do it because the feeling can be really nice if it works out, it could also be your way of giving back to the world if you feel you must. Anything that moves people positively.

Edited June 7th by KnucklesMK3
KnucklesMK3
 

Inb4 the people who only checked newest replies thought this was only a self rant though it's establishing relatability, thus making it easier to catch their attention as well as make the advice seem more compelling and helpful.

Posted June 7th by KnucklesMK3
KnucklesMK3
 

Even now I'm still not entirely sure how the fuck I'm even gonna secure a stable future


The funny thing is, this is something almost everybody worries about. Regardless of how great they or their lives seem. People who seem to have their shit completely together are worrying about this too.


you either need to reexamine how you define worth


It's taken me well over a decade to figure this out. I had wrapped up my self-worth in the traditional social ideas of what is expected, and what is accepted. I dropped out of college because it wasn't a learning environment that worked for me, and so my economic prospects were pretty much shot. I felt stuck for a long time, and while my friends and family were off getting "real jobs," I was still at the movie theater. You can definitely feel strangers or extended family members judge you for that.

But it eventually came together that, fuck that noise. My job isn't any less "real" because it's not in an office. And I actually like the organization I work for. I don't make bank, and I'm relatively stable (although for most people, even a financially stable life can change on a whim), but it's not really the foundation for that whole house and a wife and some kids and a dog. But I also don't really want that. (I mean, I want a dog, but that's easy.) And if other people have a problem with that, fuck 'em.



Something that also sounds totally stupid and absurd: taking moments throughout the day to recognize something you have done or something about yourself that you like and just saying it out loud. I know, I know. It sounds so silly. I had read studies indicating that that kind of self-positive reinforcement can really change one's attitude and feelings of self-worth, but I scoffed at it. It's obviously not universal, but I have to admit that I tried it in earnest, and somehow, I've turned into one of the most positive people I know. It's still hard to always apply that positivity towards myself (it's still way easier to feel like my friends and family can do anything they want while I'm not good enough), but even that has changed.

So if you think of it, maybe just try to look at yourself in a mirror and just state something out loud that you like about yourself. I feel like depression tends to come easily to those of us with perhaps too much empathy, and you can see it in your "I feel like I'm bringing others down" type attitude which shows you do care about others, so maybe just start with that. Do it enough, and it can weirdly alter your state of mind. Made no sense to me, but it did help me a bit personally. By no means a cure-all. But can maybe help.

Posted June 8th by Jet Presto
Jet Presto

Hope he's ok :/

Posted June 8th by Chain Chomp
Chain Chomp

Something that also sounds totally stupid and absurd: taking moments throughout the day to recognize something you have done or something about yourself that you like and just saying it out loud. I know, I know. It sounds so silly.

Huh. I wonder if anything would change even more if I tried that. Usually when I talk outloud to myself it's just something negative and impulsive due to a burst of anxiety. But ya sounds like a good idea actually.

Hope he's ok :/

Same. He probably is though based on what Cet said.

Posted June 8th by KnucklesMK4
KnucklesMK4
 

It sounds crazy, I know, and it can take a while, but I definitely noticed after a period of time of doing it myself, I started feeling generally more confident and have become a much bigger fan of myself than I had used to me. It coincided with other things as well, but I do think it was a contributing factor.

Posted June 8th by Jet Presto
Jet Presto

But it eventually came together that, fuck that noise. My job isn't any less "real" because it's not in an office. And I actually like the organization I work for. I don't make bank, and I'm relatively stable


I like this! It can be easy to feel less accomplished and content with your life based on the perception of other people. But what should really matter is how you feel about yourself.

Posted June 8th by Vandy
Vandy

hi evrybody i was wanting to never show my face on gtx0 again but i realized i owe you all at least some kind of response for your generosity and support

firstly im sorry for burdening you w this i usually try not to bring my problems to this place (though on that front ive been failing a lot lately and im sorry). i dont really feel it's fair to you to make a post like this, considering that in many ways this site creates a space where youre all a captive audience. this troubles me for a couple diferent reasons; for one, it is manipulative and selfish to command such attention in such a space. and second, it could be triggering to unassuming observers who are vulnerable to this kind of negativity. im ashamed of my actions and hope you will forgive me. i'll try harder to abstain from bringing my issues into the community from now on

next and more importantly i am v grateful to all of you who came to try to help me. clearly i was in a dark place and i know that im incredibly fortunate to have a community that would listen to me and offer advice. i wish, ofc, i would have expressed my gratitude better at the time and tried harder to be a better listener in turn. but ty all so much for coming to my aid words cannot express how lucky i feel to have you all or how thankful i am for all of your support

SOH – ty for not hesitating to reply and share youre own experiences and offer your positivity. im glad youve been doing that much better w your own depression and hope the trend continues fr you

I killed Mufasa – ty for sticking w me the whole time i was posting here and for also sharing your own experiences and the wisdom you have gleaned from them. i have been thinking about your advice and about the things i have to look forward to. im sorry that you too are struggling so much in life and i hope things can get easier. lmk if theres anything i can do for you otterotterjason@aol.com is my email address. p.s. i am familiar w you and some of your struggles via your other posts on this site which is why i was able to think of you when listening to that podcast i recommended

Ghowilo – ty for your encouragement

Vandy – ty also for your encouragement and being such a selfless friend to me these past few weeks your support has meant a lot and will continue to carry me forward a ways ty so much

Chain Chomp – im v glad o hear youre doing well in life rn and im sorry you were struggling so much not too long ago. i hope that you continue to feel good about your life and lmk if you dont or if i canhelp at all somehow. ty so much for your kindness and your offer to talk to me youve always been there for me and i really appreciate it youre a really good friend

Jet Presto – your empathy is greatly appreciated as is the time and energy you put into your replies here. you give a lot of good advice and have a lot to offer and ty for coming to assist me i really value your words. i'll try to practice the counsel that you gave and i'll try not to be so selfish anymore. i have in fact seen many mental health professionals and have been in and out of mental hospitals since i was seventeen. ty for sharing your experiences and wisdom that youve learned when it comes to building self-worth. im glad that you have been able to figure some of this out for yourself and it's v generous of you to put all this energy into helping me try to do the same and i really appreciate it. im sorry that i was being so selfish i hope i will be able to follow your advice

KnucklesMK4 – ty for sharing your experiences and feelings too; youre right, there are a lot of parallels between us. im sorry for all that you have had to deal w and the burdens that you still are carrying. ty for taking the time to relate to me it means a lot. in all my recent posts on here youve been there for me to offer advice and support and even to talk to me off-site. i value your friendship v much and think of you as a generous and empathetic person. i will be thinking about your advice of trying to find something to which i can dedicate myself. i can see how that would be helpful to some people and i want to at least do right by everyones words by giving them a try


thank you again everybody for your care and concern i am still alive obviously and i know im sounding like a broken record at this point but ty so much. i hope youre all doing okay and having a nice weekend so far best wishes xo xo

Posted June 10th by susurrous
susurrous
 

"i dont really feel it's fair to you to make a post like this, considering that in many ways this site creates a space where youre all a captive audience. this troubles me for a couple diferent reasons; for one, it is manipulative and selfish to command such attention in such a space. and second, it could be triggering to unassuming observers who are vulnerable to this kind of negativity. im ashamed of my actions and hope you will forgive me. i'll try harder to abstain from bringing my issues into the community from now on"

don't ever feel bad for reaching out, sus.

i hope everything works out for you, man.

Posted June 10th by poptart!
poptart!
 

I honestly almost killed myself today guys. I typed up a goodbye post thanking everyone here for putting up with me and I had a razor in my hand and I was hovering above the post message button. I wouldn't ever send that if it wasn't true. The title said not to call the police because it's too late. This shit flares up in my brain on the daily. It's mental cancer. It's never going to go away. You just learn to be more efficient about fighting it off so you can enjoy the lighter parts if the day. Christ it's almost like that loony toons cartoon with wile e and the dog. At the end of the day I wave to my depression and it goes away until it wants to flare up again. I always make sure my depression is as unsuccessful at it's task as the coyote is at getting those sheep. It can't win if I don't let it win. And the same goes for you.

You aren't a broken record. Every day of your life your feelings are valid even if you've had them 1000 times. Just remember you drive yourself, your feelings are just along for the ride.

Posted June 10th by I killed Mufasa
I killed Mufasa
long live the king

You guys are the only people I would ever be able to say goodbye to. Anyone else would try to stop me and they'd be too quick.

Posted June 10th by I killed Mufasa
I killed Mufasa
long live the king

ty poptart

im sorry you were in such a state today, I killed Mufasa. that must have been v painful. im glad youre still here. ty for your help and the fitting analogy. ty for validating my exp and my voice. i hope being alive will get easier for you someday. im sorry it's so hard

Posted June 10th by Susurrous
Susurrous
Boo!

I admire you sus.

Posted June 10th by Cetasaurus
Cetasaurus
formerly KM8

NP and thank you too Sus. I hope you can get better.

Posted June 11th by KnucklesMK5
KnucklesMK5
 

ty ceta and knuckles :)

Posted June 11th by Susurrous
Susurrous
Boo!

Hey man don't ever feel like you can't reach out to the people here. It's obvious we all care about you and want to do what we can to help you. I don't know what your real life relations are like, but as far as I can tell on this site, everyone likes you. And on this site that is actually a pretty rare feat. Someone's always got beef with someone.

I've been in a position where I didn't have anyone in real life to talk to and resorted to coming here just to find someone to talk to, and it helps. You're not a burden to anyone here - so stop telling yourself that. Please! Reach out for help when you feel you need it.

Posted June 11th by Vandy
Vandy

ty vandy that makes me feel much better im sorry

Edited June 11th by Susurrous
Susurrous
Boo!
Reply to: thinking abt killing myself

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