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Anything that goes on in your life can go here.
WARNING: Mature content possible. Proceed with caution.

(I don't honestly know if many people remember or care. I will just type this out here anyway because maybe someone does. Drawing attention to myself has always made me uncomfortable and part of me doesn't want to type an update but maybe someone is concerned or wondering.)

After my post last month here about abuse I wanted to give an update to my situation. After the entire situation with a lot of back and forth, they admitted they weren't right to say the things they did. At first, they were going to move out for a while on their own while we figured it out. During the calm period, we were able to interact like we always had with humor and love. I realized I didn't want to lose everything we had up until now (we're nearing 5 years at this point). I made a tough and probably controversial decision, I decided to leave with them. At 27 I was still living at the house I always had with the people I always had. It was time to leave.

We found an apartment closer to our works (it took us 50 minutes to each drive to our work regularly, now it's about 20 minutes). We figured a budget that won't actually sap away our monthly income. We both got raises in this month adding to around 5K more/year. We packed last Thursday and Friday and moved the stuff on Saturday. I arranged most things to be done to relieve any stress. Sunday while we were arranging stuff some of the same old things are said. I hold steadfast as best I can but still am hurt. When they leave to go do something for a few hours (it was a necessity) they text me to apologize after only a half hour. Usually to get them to apologize it's like pulling teeth; I need to almost ask for it and sometimes I have. It also tends to happen long after the damage has been done. This time it was with no demand or question, they acknowledged that it wasn't ok and quickly which actually makes me happy.

Yesterday we spent time getting things we definitely need for the house. Fridge (not coming until Friday), trash cans, dish soap, laundry stuff, etc. The apartment is almost unpacked but we are without Wi-Fi, a fridge, a couch, etc. Stuff we will acquire in time.

I had made the decision to go and do grad school. I found out that my college only does grad school for my subject every Fall. It's entirely too late to apply for this Fall. So I will have to wait until next Fall. We have a year lease on the place and I'm going to build my scholarly resume to hopefully get accepted for next year (can't apply until March or so). If I find something else in my field in the meantime I'll try to get it.

I'll understand if you think I'm just out of my mind. But I've never taken a risk as big as this ever so far, so I'm hoping it goes alright. I'd be curious to know what you may think. I'm optimistic for the future.


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There are 14 Replies

I dont think you are out of your mind. I thought it was common knowledge that the first few years of marriage have their highs and their deep deep lows. Screaming matches and abusive remarks while extreme are more or less the norm in the first few yewrs of marriage. Or maybe the certified marriage counselor I talked to was full of crap.


As long as both of you understand there is an issue and are moving to resolve it I won't judge you for it. The road ahead will be rocky. But I am sure you will push through.

I am confused though were you guys living with your parents?

Posted July 31st by S.o.h.
S.o.h.
 

I dont think you are out of your mind. I thought it was common knowledge that the first few years of marriage have their highs and their deep deep lows.

It was within the first year of the actual marriage itself. We were with each other for 4 years until we got married.

I am confused though were you guys living with your parents?

Yes. Until Saturday I had never lived anywhere else and I'll be 28 on the 6th.

Quick timeline:

Late July 2013: Meet

August 2013/September 2013: Date (5 dates)

October 2013: Relationship start

March 2016: Moves out of her parents' apartment into my parents' house.

October 2017: (on 4 year anniversary) Secretly marry

February 2018: Problems arise/stress starting. On/off "okayness" until end of June 2018.

I would love to have moved out sooner because part of the stress is the difference in how her household vs. mine went. But So. Cal. (especially in LA County) can be so damn expensive so you NEED to have 2 people with incomes if you're early in life.


Edited July 31st by Fox Forever
Fox Forever

It was within the first year of the actual marriage itself. We were with each other for 4 years until we got married.


Yeah then its pretty normal.

Yes. Until Saturday I had never lived anywhere else and I'll be 28 on the 6th.


Yep that will do it. While it is normal in Latino Households and becoming the norm everywhere else to live with your parents for a year after getting married to save up money I would imagine it puts a huge strain on a marriage.


October 2017: (on 4 year anniversary) Secretly marry


why

I would love to have moved out sooner because part of the stress is the difference in how her household vs. mine went. But So. Cal. (especially in LA County) can be so damn expensive so you NEED to have 2 people with incomes if you're early in life.


yea it is a goddam nightmare. Unfortunately the cost of living is going up in my part of California as well.



Posted July 31st by S.O.H.
S.O.H.
 

I thought it was common knowledge that the first few years of marriage have their highs and their deep deep lows. Screaming matches and abusive remarks while extreme are more or less the norm in the first few yewrs of marriage.




I don't think so, lad. It's not a sign that your life is falling apart, but it's also definitely not normal.

Edited July 31st by Cruinn-Annuin
Cruinn-Annuin

why

It makes it easier for first time house owners if you're married, we were committed enough, and it wasn't on a whim, we planned it. We didn't have the money to throw a big party and her parents can barely afford themselves. Latino parents put themselves into debt (or deeper into it) sometimes to throw even a quinceaƱera and she didn't want them to use their own money. We are going to have a ceremony at a later time. In the meantime a lot of our closest family has found out. We still plan on having the ceremony.

Posted July 31st by Fox Forever
Fox Forever

Don't tell me tell the expert in the field I heard it from. Even a quick Google search confirms that the first two-three years of any marriage are the roughest and rockiest. What that entails exactly depends on the marriage.

Posted July 31st by S.o.h.
S.o.h.
 

but it's also definitely not normal.


I mean he may be off about the first 2 years but marriages going to shit on and off or out of blue doesn't seem uncommon at all.

Posted July 31st by KnokkelMillennium
KnokkelMillennium

Anyway despite how my previous post may sound, I don't think you're wrong at all for this. There's no way to tell how it will go ultimately but you didn't make an invalid choice.

Posted July 31st by KnokkelMillennium
KnokkelMillennium

marriages going to shit on and off or out of blue doesn't seem uncommon at all.


Uncommon, no. It's still not normal. Much like how it's very common for people in America to be obese but that's not normal.

Posted July 31st by Cruinn-Annuin
Cruinn-Annuin

Glad to hear that things have become better. I was wondering where you had disappeared to.

Posted July 31st by Vandy
Vandy

Well besides moving her uncle got really sick and unfortunately he passed away. I was gone a lot for that time as well.

We don't even have any internet set up at home either so I probably won't be on much in evenings (and not on XBL until we get it set up).

Posted July 31st by Fox Forever
Fox Forever

I want to ask you about children. I know haven't mentioned it, and probably aren't considering it (with grad school and all), but are you comfortable with the idea of bringing children into this relationship?

Posted July 31st by Agis
Agis
 

Not right now, but yes.

Posted July 31st by Fox Forever
Fox Forever

I thought it was common knowledge that the first few years of marriage have their highs and their deep deep lows.


Marriage is itself an institution with highs and lows.

I've always heard that it was with the advent of children that tests marriages the most. From personal experience (in that I've a bunch of friends and family members who have been married), that always seems to be the case. Everyone I know who has gotten divorced has done so often as a result of the strain a child puts on the relationship.

Posted July 31st by Jet Presto
Jet Presto
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