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Pretty bizarre feelings of guilt and shame going on
Posted: Posted August 19th, 2019 by Cetasaurus
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Dear Diary,
It’s me again. The resident dinosaur.
Alright I’m still on mobile, so apologies for any errors in typing (I’m not drunk).

This is a little hard to explain, but I’ll give it a go. I used to be, as far as I could tell, more immune to things like anxiety and stress than the average person. As such, I was a good friend for susurrous to know, because he lived with, well, more anxiety and stress than the average person. I could fill a specific role in that capacity.

Since he died, I have lost my immunity to stress and anxiety, and it’s getting worse. Especially the last week or somethig. I can’t sleep. There’s this tight ball in my chest that never goes away. And the feelings of guilt and shame come from the knowledge that if sus was here, I wouldn’t be able to be that person for him anymore. I can imagine how fretful he would become for me. It was painful for him, his levels of empathy. I’d be stressing him out by being in a room with him. Me, pretty much the one person he had.

I don’t understand why I’m feelinf this way. It seems pretty irrelevant to my present situation. It doesn’t quite make sense to sit around feeling sad that I’m not enough for a person who is dead. But it won’t go away. So here I am: feeling like a shitty friend for no reason. Frickn miserable. Frickn bats.

There are 5 Replies

What happened to sussorus parents

Posted August 19th, 2019 by Brandy
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I want to know this too. I really didn't know much about susurrous' family life other than it was bad.

I finally got around to watching avengers endgame yesterday. While browsing around the discussion about it I ran across the terms "survivor guilt" and "survivor syndrome". Basically, having people you care about die in some unfair way (including suicide) can give you enormous feelings of guilt, along with depression and even anxiety.

In this kind of situation, these three emotions don't seem to be "based" on anything -- like there's maybe a reason to feel depressed but the worst of it seems to happen randomly, without reason. Meanwhile the other two are even harder to rationally justify. Instead, it's just the trauma that's driving all of the above -- you don't need reasons because those emotions are coming from something else.

As weird as it sounds, I think these feelings are actually a way of preventing something worse -- they're a bit like how most "burns" are actually your skin trying to prevent actual burns. Maybe like "burns", there's some equivalent to putting ice on it, like maybe if you find happiness in some other way you can prevent the worst of it.

It definitely helps to find an outlet as well. Like obviously you have us and maybe other family/friends, but if you're creatively inclined you can pour things into art, music, writing. This helps a lot more than you think it would.

Posted August 19th, 2019 by Xhin
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Emotionally speaking, I've been there, Ceta. My dad and I were incredibly close; to me he was closer than anyone else in my life, even my own mother (to whom I'm almost, but not quite, as close). And so when he passed away five years ago next week, it was like losing a part of myself, much like you with susurrous. It legitimately took me three years before I got to a point where I could say that I was out of the thick of it and was able to function much as I did when my dad was alive.

What you're feeling, Ceta, is all part of the grieving process. Everyone grieves differently. My paternal grandmother, for instance, had to bury her son, and now, five years later, she's in a memory care facility with end-stage dementia since (we think) she just couldn't handle the death of her son. My grandfather on that side, conversely, was more pissed off about the whole thing than anything else; he passed earlier this year, God rest his soul, and right up until about two weeks before his death he was sharp as a tack and helping to care for my grandmother.

The only thing that can really heal this is raw time. I can't possibly say how much: as I said, it took me three years to fully come to terms with the loss of my dad, but for you it may be even longer or it may be shorter. Only the Lord God Almighty knows, and He isn't giving up His secrets anytime soon.

In the meantime, just remember that we're here for you if you need us, and as Xhin said, try to find some kind of outlet for your emotions. I'm blessed to have plenty of close family and friends IRL and online who helped me through my darkest hours, and one of them gave me perhaps the best advice I've ever gotten for dealing with my emotions: he told me to journal about what I was feeling, and suddenly I was able to dig in and analyze what was going on in my life and why I was feeling the way I felt. I don't know if you're as creatively inclined as I am, but if you are, use it to your advantage, even if it's not in the form of analytical journaling (or prose fiction, which I also write as a hobby).

Edited August 26th, 2019 by Black Yoshi
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I feel like a shitty person and have feelings of guilty especially lately so I can relate in that way.

Posted August 23rd, 2019 by MarvaIo
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Same. I can't stand this clown world anymore.

Posted August 23rd, 2019 by Post-Wall Olga
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