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Anything that goes on in your life can go here.
WARNING: Mature content possible. Proceed with caution.

I don't want to make a giant wall of text but that may happen. I ask anyone to please not go after my abuser because it will just make the situation worse.

My wife is abusing me. It started out as jokes at my expense, then to allusions, now it's straight up name calling masked as jokes and jabs. I've been called slow, stupid, retarded, dim, dumb, stupidass, fucking idiot. I've been told (just by her) I have Aspergers or am autistic and this is why I'm "slow". I started standing up for myself and saying it's abuse, only to be told that I'm too sensitive or that I'm just being told for my own good to try and "help" me. Doing research on the topic of verbal and emotional abuse I found that it's a common abuse tactic to deflect their own abuses. Here is a picture of what I checked off of a list just to get some perspective of my situation:





On Thursday night I started asserting myself, feeling that everything was going too far. I got called "autistic" because I was asked to grab a pair of nail clippers, forgetting that we had just acquired some pretty new ones that were closer to us. I started saying that I wanted it to stop. Trying my best, I got a little emotional. They called me real insecure because I wouldn't allow myself to be called that. I said that I felt they were way more insecure for may reasons. The next morning I made their breakfast & coffee and put together their lunch for the day (I always do this). With an escort out to the car they said "I got a new car" (pointing to their old car). I had no idea what they meant and they called me a "stupidass". Again I said to stop calling me such things without getting upset and they said I was yelling and that apparently I really do have a condition. They left in their car and I went and talked to my mom while upset about the situation. Then this text message exchange happened, this is completely verbatim:

XX: (snapshot of a page that says "Can a person with Aspergers feel love?"..."When someone has a partner with Asperger Syndrome, she or he may be craving sweet, romantic gestures that never come. ... The Aspie knows what they think and feel, but often is unaware of what others think or feel. It can make you wonder how someone with Asperger's develops an intimate relationship or even gets married."

XX: (3 thinking emojis)

Me: I already told you to stop.

Me: Why would you post that

Me: Even if I do have Aspergers you're just going to be mean about it?

XX: Stating things as a fact isn't being mean. Taking things as an insult may be a symptom of your condition. If so, then working on it may be more challenging for you than I originally thought. Even impossible? So it leaves me with the decision of being EVEN MORE patient with you or finding you some kind of help

XX: It's not really a decision since I can't just magically increase my level of patience or w/e

XX: I think getting treatment might be our best option

XX: It may even open some doors for you in terms of getting a job **for the record, I do have a job, I'm trying to get a different one right now**

Me: I'll book an appointment with a counselor for us

XX: Equal opportunity employment laws ensure that people like you can be valuable and productive members of society even with a condition that challenges them every day

XX: Sure I'll go with you

Me: Yet you continue this abuse

XX: Theres no shame in getting help

XX: I'm proud of you buddy

XX: Let's try just a litter harder on the "taking things as an insult"

XX: We can start by limiting use of words like "abuse" and mean"

Me: See I can't even talk to you without you being condescending

XX: “condescending” is another good one to avoid

Me: How about you work on not being abusive. Plus saying I’m “too sensitive” is an abusers tactic.

Me: The counseling thing is not for me, it’s for us

XX: If you scroll back through this conversations you’ll realize I never once said that you’re being too sensitive. This is a good example of things coming out of me one way and being interpreted by you a different way

Me: You’ve said it in our conversations

Me: Not this one particularly and not those words exactly

XX: I’m more comfortable going to something jointly after you seek treatment for your condition

XX: because you’re working with much less than a regular person

XX: and it’s not fair to you

XX: and I think it would also limit our progress

XX: in a joint counseling session
Me: That’s it. You can’t at all act decent towards me. You still put me down after I’ve asked you not to.

Me: You’re not qualified to make any of those claims

XX: That’s not my intention at all, and the fact that you’re taking it all as an attack shows me that you really don’t want to work out the problems in our relationship

XX: you just want to be right no matter the cost

Me: I don’t care about being completely right. I admit when I’m wrong about things. In no way do I deserve being told “you’re working with much less than a regular person” or that I have “a condition that challenges [me]”. You state that these are facts with no expertise on the subject.

Me: And I definitely don’t deserve to be called a “stupidass”

Me: I do care about the relationship, it’s why I’ve stayed in it for this long. I just can’t deal with the name callings and put downs anymore. I’ve had enough of it.

XX: I understand if you’re not used to being called something dumb like “stupidass” because you never had a real sibling dynamic so I apologize for that. My attempts to bring you into my world have been grossly defeated. You’re too used to your ways and your condition doesn’t let you break free of your routines. I’m done being so white with such a giant stick up my ass though (peace sign) **for the record, I am white and she is Hispanic, both born in the USA**

After that I stopped replying because they couldn’t be decent. I later drove to my sister-in-law’s house where my other SIL was also there. While explaining what happened I got a call around noon from XX. She tried to brush it all off by asking stuff like “are you done being mad/butthurt?” I claimed it wasn’t a joke and that she was falling into abusive tactics. Then I started saying the white thing doesn’t make sense, at this point she stopped the conversation because I was being too “emotional”. I stayed at my SIL’s until almost midnight, talking for nearly 12 hours straight. I may or may not go into what was said or what happened today. For now I feel like this is a lot to say.

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There are 21 Replies

your wife is latina right?

At first I would chalk it up to "tough love" mentality that plagues the latino community and is border line abusive. But what she did is taking it too far.

Posted June 30th by S.O.H.
S.O.H.
 

Yes, that's right. Her sisters said she was going way too far with that stuff. They also said that whenever we go to my in-laws house her mom is extremely anxious. Not that my wife going to blow up, but worried for me personally. I was completely unaware of this and apparently they've wanted to talk to me for a while but they felt like they couldn't.

My wife and I have been in a relationship for almost 5 years now. Until the start of this year she has never been abusive like this. Almost anything sets her off lately, even if it's not anything I've done. Trying to talk about her frustration leads to deflecting by blaming me for everything.

Edited June 30th by Fox Forever

best thing to do is get marital counseling at this point and maybe some personal counseling for her.


as callous as it sounds I would also suggest just sitting down and drinking with her to get a good tallk going about what is going on with her personally.

Posted June 30th by S.O.H.
S.O.H.
 

i would kick her to the curb but i also have too much of an ego to take insults like that.

Posted June 30th by poptart!

what do you do when your ego gets bruised?

Posted June 30th by s.o.h.
s.o.h.
 

I would say it sounds like passive aggressive gaslighting. A control tactic. Her family sounds nice though.

Posted June 30th by I killed Mufasa
I killed Mufasa
long live the king

best thing to do is get marital counseling at this point and maybe some personal counseling for her.

Just spent an hour on the phone talking to a counselor to see what can be done. Got some good resource recommendations to help me further.

as callous as it sounds I would also suggest just sitting down and drinking with her to get a good tallk going about what is going on with her personally.

I've tried many times to talk about what is happening and every time is either met with extreme defense tactics or telling me I'm the cause of all of our problems. I can't get her to be neutral (as seen in my text above) and I try to be as neutral as possible without getting emotionally baited.

i would kick her to the curb but i also have too much of an ego to take insults like that.

If it was within the first few months of dating I think I would've kicked her a long time ago. It's just been since the end of January this year (and we've been together since October 2013). I wouldn't want to throw away all the building of our relationship if she's struggling but it's not being handled well and attempts to get into what the problem is is met with defensiveness.

I would say it sounds like passive aggressive gaslighting. A control tactic. Her family sounds nice though.

To be honest it worked for a while. I'd internalize a lot of what was said and thought maybe I am less than moderately intelligent. After I read stuff about abusive tactics it sounded a lot like gaslighting for sure.

Her family is pretty nice, even after they knew we were having problems they want to keep me around (somehow) and still invite me to all the family stuff if we were to break up or separate. I pointed out that it might not be a good idea if we're fighting because it may push her further to anger or she may feel alienated. But it's def a positive to think that they value me as a member of the family.

Also I hope you're doing alright (mentally/emotionally) regarding your brother.

Edited June 30th by Fox Forever

Yeah, this feels like some form of passive aggressive gaslighting considering the positive reinforcement and other tactics involved.

Posted June 30th by Esprit
Esprit
 

At least judging from your writing on the internet, you don't seem stupid to me.

Posted June 30th by I killed Mufasa
I killed Mufasa
long live the king

I mean things aren't great. But I have a thread for that discussion. Don't want to derail you.

Posted June 30th by I killed Mufasa
I killed Mufasa
long live the king

That sounds like a horrible relationship.

I feel really bad for you man, no one should have to deal with being put down like that. I can't imagine the toll having to deal with that on a daily basis would be. Get the fuck out of there man, see her in therapy.

Posted June 30th by Agis
Agis
 

It's too much. Obviously I don't know the context of your relationship, but from this I can tell its been pretty long-term and there may be some hidden resentment on her end. Regardless, she's being immature and hurtful. I so also agree with soh wrt to different cultures; Asian culture is similar. I would gently confront her, with prepared arguments and rebuttals even, or go to a counselor, rely on your peers/family while trying to be objective in your portrayal, etc. Dignity over pride in this situation. I'm sorry and good luck!

Posted June 30th by Ophelia

You need to set boundaries, in any relationship. If something is not OK, you need to straight up draw a line in the sand and make it clear that line should not be crossed. Also, texting is the best way to ruin a relationship. TALK. In person, if possible, if it's not too uncomfortable for you. Text only goes so far to express what you need the other person to do and why.

Think in terms of "This is not OK," and "I cannot accept this in my relationship." Then ask what it is she needs from you right now. This makes her understand what lines shouldn't be crossed, and try to come to a resolution without overstepping boundaries. At the very least it will get a conversation going where you aren't on the receiving end of all the bullshit. You need to be an advocate for your own self-worth. This is what it means to assert yourself, and it can be done respectfully, in good taste, for very good reasons. Keep that in mind when you talk.

Posted June 30th by mariomguy

Biggest red flags I see here aren't the putting-down or the brushing off of abuse, but the extreme level of control and dominance over the relationship and even your life by her. I'd like to hit the highlights of that:

If so, then working on it may be more challenging for you than I originally thought. Even impossible? So it leaves me with the decision of being EVEN MORE patient with you or finding you some kind of help


this implies that finding a solution to your "problem" is entirely up to her, and the overall solution (finding you help) is also entirely her responsibility. As though you're a child and her responsibility.

I think getting treatment might be our best option


This comment stands out in particular because she's saying the problem is between both of you but the solution is entirely on *your* treatment. In the real world even if you're straight-up autistic any relationship problem is going to require counseling for and work by both parties because that's even what a relationship is.

I'm proud of you buddy


XX: Let's try just a litter harder on the "taking things as an insult"


This kind of thing is where she considers you her student and she your teacher. I've actually experienced this myself, and I believe it comes from situations where the other person helps you a lot and you don't teach them much in return (though you definitely contribute in other ways).

XX: I understand if you’re not used to being called something dumb like “stupidass” because you never had a real sibling dynamic so I apologize for that.


Just want to take a moment to LOL at this. Sibling dynamics can be kinda mean (in a loving way), but you're not her sibling and she shouldn't be treating you like one. Also again there's some implied "I know everything" thing going on here.

Continued

Posted July 1st by Xhin
Xhin
 

XX: I’m more comfortable going to something jointly after you seek treatment for your condition


Sorry, Mrs. Forever, that's not how relationship counseling works. If there's a problem in the relationship, it's always the fault of both parties because that's what relationships even are.

What I see above is a lot of control tactics. Your wife feels like she owns the relationship (and you, to a large extent) and consistently asserts this dominance. If you want to absolutely break this, the best thing you can do is quit complaining/fighting her and instead work on no longer accepting her opinions as meaningful or worthwhile. If you do that, then you can't really be insulted by anything she says because her opinions have no value to your life. Also show a lot of love and compassion, because that tends to confuse emotional abusers and make them break faster.

When she *does* break, then you can talk to her one-on-one and figure out wtf the actual problem is and help her with it. My guess is she's taking some kind of abuse herself from family or work and passes that on to you because it makes her feel more in control of things again. Or drugs.

The biggest thing though is to quit fighting her. It's very very counterintuitive, but fighting against a bad opinion actually legitimizes it. Whereas saying things like "you can believe whatever you want to believe" turns objective-seeming ideas back into the subjective bullshit that all opinions ultimately are. Other good phrases are things like "that's an interesting idea" with no followup whatsoever. Actual insults can be countered pretty well with "what's your point? " or "and?" because the actual insult is the point and insulters get real flustered when you ask them to follow up.

Saying some variation of "I don't care" to logic-based or scientific-based assault, for example the aspergers resources she posted is fairly effective if you're currently emotional.

If you're not, my all-time favorite retort is to state the opposite of their conclusion with no arguments backing it whatsoever. So she posts all that stuff about how aspies can't love or whatever, and you just reply "I don't have asperger's". If she won't let that stand, suddenly *she* is in the worse position because she has to try to justify her belief, which every after all that work you can just counter with "those are interesting ideas, but I don't have asperger's". Sure asks how do you know, you reply it's just something you don't have. She calls you stubborn or stupid, you reply "what's your point" or "you're very opinionated". If you hold firm on the idea that there's nothing wrong with you, eventually *she* either has to break, or give up trying.

Edited July 1st by Xhin
Xhin
 

Think in terms of "This is not OK," and "I cannot accept this in my relationship." Then ask what it is she needs from you right now. This makes her understand what lines shouldn't be crossed, and try to come to a resolution without overstepping boundaries.


This is very good advice.

Posted July 1st by Xhin
Xhin
 

Yeah, you are clearly being abused in this relationship. The way to end the abuse is to establish that you are not OK with being walked on anymore. Set up bounds, let her know what those bounds are, and stick to them. Remember that it's not OK for other people to put you down, no matter how much they think it's fine. If you are not OK with this in your relationship, that is not her choice to make. It's yours. And if she can't live in a world where she has to treat you with decency and respect, then she can certainly find someone else to boss around.

Respect is a two-way street. Both parties must respect each other in order to be respected. No one else is going to set these bounds for you: unfortunately, you must do this on your own.

Posted July 1st by mariomguy

Is your wife overweight? It could be that she's scared of you leaving her, so she's putting you down to wreck your confidence so you don't leave her for someone more attractive.

Posted July 2nd by MarvaIo
MarvaIo
 

Ghost this bitch.

Posted July 2nd by Cruinn-Annuin

You're being abused, yes. Sadly, you're married to her, so you can't escape from the plantation without huge consequences, but it may be a good idea to limit your time from her as much as possible since there's very little chance that she will treat you any better.

You know it's crazy how we're taught about women versus how they are. Sadly, you were duped into marrying one, and now you have to deal with this abusive parasite, but the worst thing you can do is stand up for yourself since that's showing weakness. Don't cry or act hurt in front of a woman - they won't sympathize with you. Instead, it'll fuel her narcissistic ego. Never take shit from a woman. She's a woman, you're a man. Put her in her place by ignoring her. Women are judgemental, and they don't give a fuck about whose feelings they hurt simply because they can't. They're incapable of true empathy. When you get upset, your wife, being as heartless as she is, will feel satisfaction to see that she's hurting you, but she's also viewing you as a b****. As soon as you cry or get depressed in front of her, or even sick, dehabilitated, you'll lose most of your value in her narrow mind. You're damaged, defective, useless. You've already gotten flustered and shown her that you're not strong and confident all the tim, so she'll never see you the same way again.

One of the biggest myths about women is that they're the caring sex. They don't care about anyone but themselves. It's also funny how bitches hate Florence Nightengale, the most famous nurse who actually did care about men, yet they hate her for exposing how cold and uncaring women truly are.

This is an abusive marriage.. Cut your losses, divorce the bitch, and move on and go your own way.

Posted July 16th by Jubei
Jubei
 

XX: Equal opportunity employment laws ensure that people like you can be valuable and productive members of society even with a condition that challenges them every day

Equal opportunity laws also ensure that unqualified women get employed and immediately promoted as bosses in workplaces, despite their lack of expertise, thus being prioritized over men who are actually qualified.

Posted July 16th by Jubei
Jubei
 
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