I believe I'm being abused (serious)
Posted: Posted June 30th
Edited June 30th by Fox Forever
I don't want to make a giant wall of text but that may happen. I ask anyone to please not go after my abuser because it will just make the situation worse.
My wife is abusing me. It started out as jokes at my expense, then to allusions, now it's straight up name calling masked as jokes and jabs. I've been called slow, stupid, retarded, dim, dumb, stupidass, fucking idiot. I've been told (just by her) I have Aspergers or am autistic and this is why I'm "slow". I started standing up for myself and saying it's abuse, only to be told that I'm too sensitive or that I'm just being told for my own good to try and "help" me. Doing research on the topic of verbal and emotional abuse I found that it's a common abuse tactic to deflect their own abuses. Here is a picture of what I checked off of a list just to get some perspective of my situation:
On Thursday night I started asserting myself, feeling that everything was going too far. I got called "autistic" because I was asked to grab a pair of nail clippers, forgetting that we had just acquired some pretty new ones that were closer to us. I started saying that I wanted it to stop. Trying my best, I got a little emotional. They called me real insecure because I wouldn't allow myself to be called that. I said that I felt they were way more insecure for may reasons. The next morning I made their breakfast & coffee and put together their lunch for the day (I always do this). With an escort out to the car they said "I got a new car" (pointing to their old car). I had no idea what they meant and they called me a "stupidass". Again I said to stop calling me such things without getting upset and they said I was yelling and that apparently I really do have a condition. They left in their car and I went and talked to my mom while upset about the situation. Then this text message exchange happened, this is completely verbatim:
XX: (snapshot of a page that says "Can a person with Aspergers feel love?"..."When someone has a partner with Asperger Syndrome, she or he may be craving sweet, romantic gestures that never come. ... The Aspie knows what they think and feel, but often is unaware of what others think or feel. It can make you wonder how someone with Asperger's develops an intimate relationship or even gets married."
XX: (3 thinking emojis)
Me: I already told you to stop.
Me: Why would you post that
Me: Even if I do have Aspergers you're just going to be mean about it?
XX: Stating things as a fact isn't being mean. Taking things as an insult may be a symptom of your condition. If so, then working on it may be more challenging for you than I originally thought. Even impossible? So it leaves me with the decision of being EVEN MORE patient with you or finding you some kind of help
XX: It's not really a decision since I can't just magically increase my level of patience or w/e
XX: I think getting treatment might be our best option
XX: It may even open some doors for you in terms of getting a job **for the record, I do have a job, I'm trying to get a different one right now**
Me: I'll book an appointment with a counselor for us
XX: Equal opportunity employment laws ensure that people like you can be valuable and productive members of society even with a condition that challenges them every day
XX: Sure I'll go with you
Me: Yet you continue this abuse
XX: Theres no shame in getting help
XX: I'm proud of you buddy
XX: Let's try just a litter harder on the "taking things as an insult"
XX: We can start by limiting use of words like "abuse" and mean"
Me: See I can't even talk to you without you being condescending
XX: “condescending” is another good one to avoid
Me: How about you work on not being abusive. Plus saying I’m “too sensitive” is an abusers tactic.
Me: The counseling thing is not for me, it’s for us
XX: If you scroll back through this conversations you’ll realize I never once said that you’re being too sensitive. This is a good example of things coming out of me one way and being interpreted by you a different way
Me: You’ve said it in our conversations
Me: Not this one particularly and not those words exactly
XX: I’m more comfortable going to something jointly after you seek treatment for your condition
XX: because you’re working with much less than a regular person
XX: and it’s not fair to you
XX: and I think it would also limit our progress
XX: in a joint counseling session
Me: That’s it. You can’t at all act decent towards me. You still put me down after I’ve asked you not to.
Me: You’re not qualified to make any of those claims
XX: That’s not my intention at all, and the fact that you’re taking it all as an attack shows me that you really don’t want to work out the problems in our relationship
XX: you just want to be right no matter the cost
Me: I don’t care about being completely right. I admit when I’m wrong about things. In no way do I deserve being told “you’re working with much less than a regular person” or that I have “a condition that challenges [me]”. You state that these are facts with no expertise on the subject.
Me: And I definitely don’t deserve to be called a “stupidass”
Me: I do care about the relationship, it’s why I’ve stayed in it for this long. I just can’t deal with the name callings and put downs anymore. I’ve had enough of it.
XX: I understand if you’re not used to being called something dumb like “stupidass” because you never had a real sibling dynamic so I apologize for that. My attempts to bring you into my world have been grossly defeated. You’re too used to your ways and your condition doesn’t let you break free of your routines. I’m done being so white with such a giant stick up my ass though (peace sign) **for the record, I am white and she is Hispanic, both born in the USA**
After that I stopped replying because they couldn’t be decent. I later drove to my sister-in-law’s house where my other SIL was also there. While explaining what happened I got a call around noon from XX. She tried to brush it all off by asking stuff like “are you done being mad/butthurt?” I claimed it wasn’t a joke and that she was falling into abusive tactics. Then I started saying the white thing doesn’t make sense, at this point she stopped the conversation because I was being too “emotional”. I stayed at my SIL’s until almost midnight, talking for nearly 12 hours straight. I may or may not go into what was said or what happened today. For now I feel like this is a lot to say.
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