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Going to confide here quick
Posted: Posted December 18th, 2019 by Cetasaurus
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December 31st will be sus's birthday. I wasn't planning to freak out about it.

Now some multitude of factors has me scared I'm going to freak out about it (not sure what that will look like, lol).

Here are some of the factors making me nervous.

  • It is actually approaching now

  • Dec 31 is a holiday. I've never really liked NYE. Would always rather to be with Jason.
  • I'm still doing the not-drinking thing. But there's often drinking on Dec 31.

  • The suicide of my other friend, Robby, is raw. Today is the one-week anniversary... Haven't stopped crying.
  • (His funeral is today; I can't make it. It's in Indiana).
  • My psychiatrist was a dick to me about it yesterday. Here's a paraphrase: "You feel guilt about your friends killing themselves? Isn't that irrational and counterproductive, you stupid fuck?"

  • I'm filled up with feelings I'd be lucky to label yet alone understand.

  • When was the last time I was ever really driving this ship

  • There are 7 Replies

    I'm still doing the not-drinking thing. But there's often drinking on Dec 31.


    Well, given the circumstances, I'd do what you have to do to get through that day. Alternately, just treat it like any other day. Alternately, stay up really really late the night before and sleep through most of it.

    My psychiatrist was a dick to me about it yesterday. Here's a paraphrase: "You feel guilt about your friends killing themselves? Isn't that irrational and counterproductive, you stupid fuck?"


    I'd probably feel guilt if one of my closest friends died too. Like not guilt in the sense of "I directly caused this" but guilt in the sense of "I could have done something to prevent this" I sort of feel that way about norma -- I was definitely there before when she was close and it didn't happen. Same deal with my irl friend. In both cases we drifted apart, which I guess makes things easier to cope with, but maybe drifting was part of what caused those events.

    In your case though I don't think there was a damn thing you could have done differently for jason because you had already done everything you could have done the day before. What you need to realize is that suicide is a very personal and intimate thing -- it isn't something that's done in the spur of the moment because you feel unloved, it's something that's been in the back of your mind a while and feels like the only way to regain control of some really shitty complex of issues. And/or to just end them permanently. He may have even felt like he was doing you a favor because if he doesn't have to deal with those issues anymore, then neither do you. And you don't have to deal with him either, because in his mind him being here is itself an issue.

    I could also be way off about most of that. I tried to help where I could but in the end I didn't know susurrous that well.

    Posted December 18th, 2019 by Xhin
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    Xhin
     

    Feeling guilt about your friends’ deaths, probably is “irrational”, and likely non-productive, though perhaps not counter-productive.
    It does not make you stupid; it makes you like everyone else.
    I don’t know your pshrink’s exact words, nor their purpose in saying them.
    (Perhaps reminding you you couldn’t logically have been guilty, they might have hoped, would help you overcome the guilt earlier or more easily?)

    Anyway; lots of higher animals feel grief, and grief has a purpose; and rushing through it, (the experts are apparently now saying and have said for centuries), doesn’t help.

    I don’t know any way I could help. Try to either stay on good terms with your current therapist, or find a more suitable one.

    Irrational guilt is a frequent component of grief, or so I understand. Sometimes just a bit of it; sometimes a whole lot of it.
    You reasonably (is my guess) regret hypothetical missed opportunities to have improved the outcome. You don’t really know that those opportunities really existed in fact. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt; and forgive yourself. I dont know how to do that; my problem with therapy is, I can understand my pshrink’s advice, and recognize that it is good advice, yet be unclear as to how to go about following that advice.

    Good luck to you, and you have our sympathy. Stay in touch with us.

    Posted December 18th, 2019 by chiarizio
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    P.S. my experience has been, knowing there is a way helps somewhat, even when I have no idea what that way is.

    Posted December 18th, 2019 by chiarizio
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    Thank you both. Sorry I didn't reply. Been all over the place.

    It means a lot to have this little community in my corner.

    I don’t know your pshrink’s exact words, nor their purpose in saying them.
    (Perhaps reminding you you couldn’t logically have been guilty, they might have hoped, would help you overcome the guilt earlier or more easily?)

    I'm sure this was exactly her intention. She is just kind of awkward and abrupt. I don't really like going to see her. But it's only for ~15 minutes per month.
    I see a therapist also (and more frequently) and we get along better.

    You reasonably (is my guess) regret hypothetical missed opportunities to have improved the outcome. You don’t really know that those opportunities really existed in fact. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt; and forgive yourself.

    Thanks.

    Posted December 23rd, 2019 by Cetasaurus
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    Its Dec 30, @Cetasaurus:
    How are you doing?

    Please be sure to check back in with us on or before Jan 2nd!

    Let us know how you fared against (or with) the intoxicants.

    Posted December 31st, 2019 by chiarizio
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    Thanks chi. ❤️💙💜

    Posted December 31st, 2019 by Cetasaurus
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    Most of december 31st is gone now but I wish you the best of luck too.

    On the plus side, when this day is finally over it'll be the start of a brand new decade.

    Posted December 31st, 2019 by Xhin
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    Xhin
     
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