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Bad news to break
Posted: Posted March 18th, 2019 by Cetasaurus
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I have found there's no good way to do this. susurrous isn't with us anymore. He committed suicide this morning. He'd been living with me very recently and was struggling intensely with his depression and PTSD, among other things.

I should eulogize or something, but I've just been sitting here writing false-starts. So here are some objective facts, which is an easier format for some reason:
  • His name was Jason
  • He was 23 years old
  • He was 5'2" but only 65 lbs
  • These were some of his "favorites": How to Train Your Dragon, Pokemon Mystery Dungeon, Muse, others I'm blanking on for now and others he wouldn't want me to say
  • He always looked for the beauty in things and situations and people (except himself)
  • Easily the kindest, most compassionate, caring, thoughtful, considerate, empathetic person I've ever met
  • He dropped out of high school, but he was incredibly intelligent in so many ways, and it makes me sad how often that went overlooked and undervalued
  • He wrote and read poetry a lot and was generally creatively inclined
  • He was an environmentalist and an animal-lover. There wasn't any living creature he would have called "gross" or anything. He was well-versed in environmental issues/politics, which often made him sad.
  • His life was hard from day one, but he was tough and he stayed good
  • He first attempted suicide when he was 13. He has been fighting hard for a long time and I'm really proud of him.

    Obviously not a comprehensive list and just still feels hollow. But it's what I can do for the time.

    Please feel free to add anything or share memories or whatever if you want to.

    You all meant a lot to him and I'm sure he wants you to know that.

    I need to reach out to some of you individually but can't tonight.

    If you see activity on his social media in the coming times, that's just me filling out some requests he made per his note and not, well, a ghost.

  • There are 93 Replies
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    Oh fuck. I'm so fucking sorry, Ceta. I just saw this. Wish I hadn't responded to that other thread now. Goddamn, I know how close you were to him, so please please please hit me up on FB or even call me if you need to talk, man (my number is —EDIT: this offer extends to everyone reading this. It breaks my heart to see such a kind soul leave us. I know how hard depression and PTSD can be to recover from. At least he's not in pain anymore. He was such a sweet, sweet person, and I know there was a deep hurt there. Fuck. I'll have another beer for him tonight. Genuinely crying.

    Please also remember to take care of yourself, Ceta. I know this is going to hurt you the most. I'd try to find a counselor if you can (I know that's easier said than done, I've been looking for a counselor for the past three months and no one will take my insurance).

    And I'm 100%% serious. Call, text, message me on FB if you need anyone to listen. I've been there.

    Edited March 30th by poptart!
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    And Ceta, please, I want you to know, when I was going through a really, really rough time a few weeks ago, your kindness absolutely spoke to me and may have saved my fucking life. I am 100% willing to return that favor however I can. you bud

    Posted March 18th, 2019 by poptart!
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    This sucks. I did not know susurrous very well but from what I did know he seemed like such a unique and interesting person. And his intelligence showed. I worried about him often; he seemed to be in a lot of pain. I often worried about him being in the cold. I would have really liked to have been able to meet him and had a chance to talk with him.

    I'm sorry ceta. You know I'm available to talk, for real.

    Posted March 18th, 2019 by Vandy
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    I think we all liked him. But I don't think there was anything we could do to help him either. I'm glad he was with you of all people for his last phase of life because I know you genuinely cared about him and looked out for him. Don't go through this alone though. And don't blame yourself no matter what you do. I know that there are stages of grief, but the final one should be respecting his decision as a human being. So many people get "angry" at people who do this and I think that's selfish because you can't expect someone who's suffering to keep suffering for your own sake. He was a person, and he made an executive decision, and it's best to just understand and respect that. Right now you've gotta look after yourself, be with family and friends, and try to think about the good times. He wouldn't want you to suffer.

    Posted March 18th, 2019 by I killed Mufasa
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    I'm sorry Ceta. Please send me a message on FB if you need anything. susurrous was a great person extremely kind and always willing to help. He helped me revise some of my personal statements a few years back. He had a far better grasp and mastery of the English language than I ever will. Please let us know if you need anything.

    Posted March 18th, 2019 by S.o.h.
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    He was way too nice for this shit world tbh. Why is it often the nicest people who actually do it? I wish I would have talked to him more at this point. I don't think there's a person worth a shit here that would disagree that he seemed like a great person. Stay strong Ceta, you're a pretty good person yourself and I know he'd want the best for you.

    Posted March 18th, 2019 by Knucklesthe2000th
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    Dear God...I've had depressive episodes before, especially in the months and years following the loss of my dad, but that is nothing compared to the real deal, the clinical side of depression. My dear friend Layla has had her struggles with depression, and I've seen her absolutely perilously close to the edge, and her boyfriend Trey has seen her almost right on the edge. It's an edge that I hope never to see myself, no matter what life may throw at me.

    Ceta, my sincerest condolences on your loss. Wait, that last bit's wrong: it's our loss, all of us. Sus was way, way too nice a person to have had to go through what he went through; even in what might have been his darkest times, he was always there to cheer you up or just help you through your day. I remember when the gtx0 Discord was around, any time I went round and posted in there, there he was to make sure I felt like someone was listening, even if it was only to me saying "Howdy".

    My heart goes out to Ceta and to Sus's family. May Sus rest in peace in the Glory of the Lord knowing that even his smallest actions made an impact on everyone around him.

    Posted March 18th, 2019 by Black Yoshi
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    I don't know who susurrous is, but very sad to hear such news!

    Only silver lining here is you'll meet him again in time.

    Posted March 18th, 2019 by elemtilas
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    Man, that's rough. While I never spoke much with Jason over the years, I always got the sense that people couldn't help but be kinder to each other whenever he entered a thread. He was the bright spot of this little community, a gentle soul whose presence will be sorely missed.

    My heart goes out to you Ceta. We've never spoken much either, but I always got the same positive vibe from you as I did with sus. Even as someone who mainly just lurks these days, I'm grateful you're still here; GT is all the better for it!

    Posted March 18th, 2019 by Orion Nebula
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    Posted March 18th, 2019 by poptart!!!!!!
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