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Anything that goes on in your life can go here.
WARNING: Mature content possible. Proceed with caution.

I have found there's no good way to do this. susurrous isn't with us anymore. He committed suicide this morning. He'd been living with me very recently and was struggling intensely with his depression and PTSD, among other things.

I should eulogize or something, but I've just been sitting here writing false-starts. So here are some objective facts, which is an easier format for some reason:
  • His name was Jason
  • He was 23 years old
  • He was 5'2" but only 65 lbs
  • These were some of his "favorites": How to Train Your Dragon, Pokemon Mystery Dungeon, Muse, others I'm blanking on for now and others he wouldn't want me to say
  • He always looked for the beauty in things and situations and people (except himself)
  • Easily the kindest, most compassionate, caring, thoughtful, considerate, empathetic person I've ever met
  • He dropped out of high school, but he was incredibly intelligent in so many ways, and it makes me sad how often that went overlooked and undervalued
  • He wrote and read poetry a lot and was generally creatively inclined
  • He was an environmentalist and an animal-lover. There wasn't any living creature he would have called "gross" or anything. He was well-versed in environmental issues/politics, which often made him sad.
  • His life was hard from day one, but he was tough and he stayed good
  • He first attempted suicide when he was 13. He has been fighting hard for a long time and I'm really proud of him.

    Obviously not a comprehensive list and just still feels hollow. But it's what I can do for the time.

    Please feel free to add anything or share memories or whatever if you want to.

    You all meant a lot to him and I'm sure he wants you to know that.

    I need to reach out to some of you individually but can't tonight.

    If you see activity on his social media in the coming times, that's just me filling out some requests he made per his note and not, well, a ghost.

  • There are 91 Replies
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    Oh fuck. I'm so fucking sorry, Ceta. I just saw this. Wish I hadn't responded to that other thread now. Goddamn, I know how close you were to him, so please please please hit me up on FB or even call me if you need to talk, man (my number is 740-409-2422)—EDIT: this offer extends to everyone reading this. It breaks my heart to see such a kind soul leave us. I know how hard depression and PTSD can be to recover from. At least he's not in pain anymore. He was such a sweet, sweet person, and I know there was a deep hurt there. Fuck. I'll have another beer for him tonight. Genuinely crying.

    Please also remember to take care of yourself, Ceta. I know this is going to hurt you the most. I'd try to find a counselor if you can (I know that's easier said than done, I've been looking for a counselor for the past three months and no one will take my insurance).

    And I'm 100%% serious. Call, text, message me on FB if you need anyone to listen. I've been there.

    Edited March 17th by poptart!

    And Ceta, please, I want you to know, when I was going through a really, really rough time a few weeks ago, your kindness absolutely spoke to me and may have saved my fucking life. I am 100% willing to return that favor however I can. you bud

    Posted March 17th by poptart!

    This sucks. I did not know susurrous very well but from what I did know he seemed like such a unique and interesting person. And his intelligence showed. I worried about him often; he seemed to be in a lot of pain. I often worried about him being in the cold. I would have really liked to have been able to meet him and had a chance to talk with him.

    I'm sorry ceta. You know I'm available to talk, for real.

    Posted March 17th by Vandy

    I think we all liked him. But I don't think there was anything we could do to help him either. I'm glad he was with you of all people for his last phase of life because I know you genuinely cared about him and looked out for him. Don't go through this alone though. And don't blame yourself no matter what you do. I know that there are stages of grief, but the final one should be respecting his decision as a human being. So many people get "angry" at people who do this and I think that's selfish because you can't expect someone who's suffering to keep suffering for your own sake. He was a person, and he made an executive decision, and it's best to just understand and respect that. Right now you've gotta look after yourself, be with family and friends, and try to think about the good times. He wouldn't want you to suffer.

    Posted March 17th by I killed Mufasa
    I killed Mufasa
    long live the king

    Fuck.

    I'm sorry Ceta. Please send me a message on FB if you need anything. susurrous was a great person extremely kind and always willing to help. He helped me revise some of my personal statements a few years back. He had a far better grasp and mastery of the English language than I ever will. Please let us know if you need anything.

    Posted March 17th by S.o.h.
    S.o.h.
     

    He was way too nice for this shit world tbh. Why is it often the nicest people who actually do it? I wish I would have talked to him more at this point. I don't think there's a person worth a shit here that would disagree that he seemed like a great person. Stay strong Ceta, you're a pretty good person yourself and I know he'd want the best for you.

    Posted March 17th by Knucklesthe2000th

    Dear God...I've had depressive episodes before, especially in the months and years following the loss of my dad, but that is nothing compared to the real deal, the clinical side of depression. My dear friend Layla has had her struggles with depression, and I've seen her absolutely perilously close to the edge, and her boyfriend Trey has seen her almost right on the edge. It's an edge that I hope never to see myself, no matter what life may throw at me.

    Ceta, my sincerest condolences on your loss. Wait, that last bit's wrong: it's our loss, all of us. Sus was way, way too nice a person to have had to go through what he went through; even in what might have been his darkest times, he was always there to cheer you up or just help you through your day. I remember when the gtx0 Discord was around, any time I went round and posted in there, there he was to make sure I felt like someone was listening, even if it was only to me saying "Howdy".

    My heart goes out to Ceta and to Sus's family. May Sus rest in peace in the Glory of the Lord knowing that even his smallest actions made an impact on everyone around him.

    Posted March 18th by Black Yoshi

    I don't know who susurrous is, but very sad to hear such news!

    Only silver lining here is you'll meet him again in time.

    Posted March 18th by elemtilas

    Man, that's rough. While I never spoke much with Jason over the years, I always got the sense that people couldn't help but be kinder to each other whenever he entered a thread. He was the bright spot of this little community, a gentle soul whose presence will be sorely missed.

    My heart goes out to you Ceta. We've never spoken much either, but I always got the same positive vibe from you as I did with sus. Even as someone who mainly just lurks these days, I'm grateful you're still here; GT is all the better for it!

    Posted March 18th by Orion Nebula

    I wasn't there for him. He tried to talk to me and I couldn't talk to him because I do dnt know how to help someone like that. His last message to me was a few months ago, still unread. He was asking me if I had a dream job. I didn't answer because I was paralysed with the idea that I should help him but no idea of how to. I'm so sorry. He deserved none of this.

    Posted March 18th by nullfather

    I'm sorry.

    Posted March 18th by nullfather

    I'm really sorry to hear this. Sus was one of the absolute kindest, sympathetic people I've ever met and deserved a lot more. I know you're probably experiencing this the worst, so I'm going to send you a text when my phone charges a bit more.

    What I will say is that this isn't your fault. You did everything you could possibly do when he reached out to you and probably saved his life then, but this time he just didn't reach out to you so there's nothing you could have done. I've been through this with a couple of friends who are also both gone now -- sometimes they're not sure about their choice and they reach out for advice and you can bring them back, but sometimes they *are* sure about their choice and there's just nothing you can do.

    Posted March 18th by Xhin
    Xhin
    Nature is beautiful

    Ceta, I know I've been a little distant, but you can talk to me on FB.

    Posted March 18th by nullfather

    Very sorry to hear this. He was a good guy.

    Posted March 18th by Moonray
    Moonray
     

    I remember when I first came back here I talked within and he asked me for my birthday like a year ago and he wished me a happy birthday. I’m upset with myself the last thing I said to him was glib. RIP. Very nice person . This year he didn’t wish me a happy birthday so I figured something was bothering him .

    Posted March 18th by Brandy

    Given the apparent instability in his life I don't know what family he has, and specifically if he has any family that will be financially able to put him to rest. As expensive as these things are, they may want to set up a memorial fund of some kind. I am confident that there are people here a gtx0 that would be willing to help out, if help is needed.

    I remember back when Susurrous was doing birthday posts for a while. I'm not sure how he ever got the old birthday list, but it was one of those little things that helped make this place feel like old gametalk, and I always appreciated seeing those posts.

    Posted March 18th by Famov

    As expensive as these things are, they may want to set up a memorial fund of some kind. I am confident that there are people here a gtx0 that would be willing to help out, if help is needed.


    Definitely.

    Posted March 18th by Vandy

    He was always nice any time he talked to me or anyone else. Although I didn't discuss his hardships with him I knew he had them and knew he had troubles. I don't think there's a person here who didn't like him and not a person here who doesn't wish they'd done more.

    I'm so sorry, sus.

    Posted March 18th by Fox Forever

    Ceta if you want to add me to FB, search Cheffir Mcbondinheimer.

    Posted March 18th by I killed Mufasa
    I killed Mufasa
    long live the king

    Its not much but if possible would any one be interested in doing a wake for him? we can set aside a night to watch Hot to Train your Dragon and have a live chat going on as we watch it.

    Posted March 18th by S.O.H.
    S.O.H.
     

    He’ll definitely be missed. He was a funny guy and I enjoyed his company when we joked around a lot. Sorry for your loss, Ceta. :( just finding out about this, to be honest. Been trying to avoid GT for a bit, but I keep coming back to check on new updates.

    Posted March 18th by Castrael

    This is really shocking news and I'm still trying to process everything... I really wish I kept in touch with him more often. I can't imagine what you and Ophelia are going through, but I'm here to talk to anyone deeply affected by our loss.

    Sus was a brilliant soul. Very intelligent and pure at heart. Like Orion said, his presence seemed to bring out the best of us. I really support the idea of a tribute. I've seen forums renamed to commemorate dedicated posters/mods who passed away (I would have suggested Susurrous's Real Life Forum if that was still around).

    Going to really miss Sus around here...



    Posted March 18th by Esprit
    Esprit
     

    Are you okay, Cetasaurus?

    Posted March 18th by Laxan
    Laxan
     

    Prayers, I am so sad to hear about this. May he be in peace in the new land before us (assuming there is a heaven). He was the best user on this site by far:

    Posted March 18th by Weid man

    I am so sorry to hear! We didn't talk much, but he was one of the kindest people I've ever met and am sorry for not keeping up. I hope you're all right too, Cetasaurus!

    I'm not a therapist, but I want to help with this or anyone else going through it, but I cannot give advice that I am not qualified to give so if you're going through thoughts like this and would feel better talking to a total stranger, please visit one of these links to talk to someone who is: http://suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html http://suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

    Posted March 18th by LLight

    It's also for people who were close to people who have had someone in their lives affected by it.

    Posted March 18th by LLight

    I never got to know Jason but I wish I had. I never saw him say anything negative about anyone or anything even when people were arguing with each other about something silly.

    I think we should all try to honor Jason by being nicer and more positive towards each other as I’m sure that’s what he would want.

    Cetasarous, I’m sure this has been especially hard on you, are you doing ok? I’m sorry for your loss, for our loss.

    Edited March 18th by Q
    Q
     

    Jason was, by far, the best person I ever knew. He was remarkably thoughtful, intelligent, articulate, kind, forgiving, and caring. He was somehow post-human yet all too human. He had a childishness but also a darkness, an ultra-clarity of reality. He felt things deeply and acted without ego or pride. He was truly special. I love you, Jason. I am so sorry. You accepted me but also challenged me to be better. You called me out; you were willing to sacrifice our friendship if it meant I'd help myself. I will never forget that. You are the only person to ever do that for me -- and not for you. Because you loved purely. I didn't know how to help you; I never knew. I know your suffering was way beyond me but I failed you too. I'm so sorry. Despite everything, I can't believe you're not here with us any more. The world is a much uglier place now knowing that.

    Ceta, thank you for contacting me. I hope we can continue to talk. As well as our connection through Jason, you have been there for me a lot through the years. I hope you don't hesitate to reach out again when you're ready. Esprit, thank you for the acknowledgement.

    Edited March 18th by Ophelia

    I just heard the news. Every now and then he would reach out to me and I'd try to console him. I hate to hear that he couldn't find peace. I'll miss him.

    So devastating.

    Posted March 18th by Chain Chomp

    Terribly sorry to hear of this. You were a good friend to him and you did all you could.

    Posted March 18th by Kaot0

    Brody bear from gametalk’s past committed suicide a few years ago, idk how/why but xhin told me she did.

    I had tried committing suicide last week by not wearing oxygen tubes to bed since I’ve been in so much pain qnd suffering lately but now as I see how sad everyone is with susssours death this makes me want to suspend my further attempts to take myself out. I see my doctor tomorrow to discuss my MRI results and if it shows that the chemodrug isn’t working then they’ll just stop it and just continue to give me palliative care until I have to go into hospice. I need a giant tumor removed on my left quad surgically ASAP it hurts so bad. If I do end up passing away I just hope that no one decides to take their life out as well.

    Posted March 18th by Weid man

    I went through his FB updates/ statuses and a lot if not all of them brought a smile to my face or made me chuckle. I've been thinking about him all day. Hope you are doing okay today Ceta.

    Posted March 18th by S.o.h.
    S.o.h.
     

    I'm gonna post something more tomorrow, when I have a clear head and less blury eyes. I know Suss looked to me light a big brother of sorts, and I need time to process this and understand my own feelings.

    Posted March 18th by Aurelian
    Aurelian
    Fire Lion
    Thunder Lion

    Sorry to hear that weid. If you can take anything from this at all is suicide is not the answer.

    I wanted to commit suicide December 2017 and had a plan and everything but by the grace of God I found peace in myself and felt obligations to live. Your life is not just your own weid don’t ever take out your breathing tubes before going to sleep again. Think about your parents and siblings your life is not just
    Your own. Cherish life and cherish yourself, no matter how hard
    Your situation may be.

    Posted March 19th by Brandy

    I've been thinking about him too, and it's been hitting me even harder than it did yesterday. Hope he's in a better place. I'll surely miss him, he did seem like a light in the darkness and it is still really sad. I wish I had better words.

    Posted March 19th by Knucklesthe2000th

    Holy shit... I'm so sorry to hear this. I wish Sussurous reached out to me before he did this... Just looking at the facts I think we have more in common than he ever realized. I really wish people would reach out with this stuff rather than take their own life in their own hands.

    We need a memorial page for this stuff. @Xhin?

    Posted March 19th by mariomguy

    The reason why people don't reach out is because they know the people they're trying to bring closure to will try to stop them. It's a sad cycle and it leaves people devastated. I know, for my brother, he would have called me that morning to say good bye if he wasn't paranoid I'd blow up his plans to jump. I wish there was a way for suicidal people to give friends and family closure.

    Edited March 19th by I killed Mufasa
    I killed Mufasa
    long live the king

    Suicide is the end of all things. Hope, too...

    Posted March 19th by mariomguy

    People who kill themselves lose hope a long time before they actually do the deed. Trust me on that one.

    Posted March 19th by I killed Mufasa
    I killed Mufasa
    long live the king

    Self-tag, but like keeping the reply here to give a little context to below posts.

    Edited March 19th by Cetasaurus
    Cetasaurus
    Formerly KM8

    Thanks for sharing, Ceta. I didn't know him that well.

    Posted March 19th by Xhin
    Xhin
    Nature is beautiful

    I’m sorry guys. I was trying to draft something more polished earlier. To tell you thanks, and something else. Maybe tomorrow.

    Posted March 19th by Cetasaurus
    Cetasaurus
    Formerly KM8

    "I had tried committing suicide last week by not wearing oxygen tubes to bed since I’ve been in so much pain qnd suffering lately but now as I see how sad everyone is with susssours death this makes me want to suspend my further attempts to take myself out. I see my doctor tomorrow to discuss my MRI results and if it shows that the chemodrug isn’t working then they’ll just stop it and just continue to give me palliative care until I have to go into hospice. I need a giant tumor removed on my left quad surgically ASAP it hurts so bad. If I do end up passing away I just hope that no one decides to take their life out as well.
    "

    Weid Man, i'm sorry to hear you've been going through all of that and attempted suicide as well. I won't pretend to understand what all you are going through, especially the pain, as I have never been through anything like that, but try to hang in there the best you can. You are a strong person to be able to go through all of that, and reaching out to your family members when you are suffering is not a weakness. I'm sure they all would like for you to be around as long as possible.

    "I’m sorry guys. I was trying to draft something more polished earlier. To tell you thanks, and something else. Maybe tomorrow."

    You have nothing to be sorry for. Take your time, we will be here.

    Posted March 19th by Q
    Q
     

    Before I do that, I want to talk to weid man for a second. Hello, if you are reading this. I never imagined or even thought to imagine anything remotely good could come of this until you said it has inspired you not to kill yourself for a little while yet. I can’t think of some good words at the moment except to say thanks. You should know that susurrous loved you so much. So so much. He thought you were so generous and strong-spirited. Sometimes he would read posts about how much pain you’re in and break down in tears over how much he cared about you. He also told me that he would read them sometimes when he felt like he needed to be strong because he found it inspiring that you could be suffering that much and still be such a vibrant, caring personality. I believe he has said much of this to you himself already. But I really want you to know how much you meant to him and how much your gesture to stay alive would mean to him if he could see it. You were a true friend to him. We’re both sorry you’re hurting so much.

    Posted March 19th by Cetasaurus
    Cetasaurus
    Formerly KM8

    Thank you Q.

    Posted March 19th by Cetasaurus
    Cetasaurus
    Formerly KM8

    Wow. You are never ready to hear news like this and when you do it's tough to process thoroughly, at least right away. Like, I still feel like he could come into this thread like any other day..it hasn't sunk in that he's gone. I never talked to him much, but he was always a bright and positive presence and he will be missed.

    To anyone else here who is going through a tough mental time, seek help. Suicide is never the answer.

    Posted March 19th by Jahoy Hoy

    Thank you everyone. I am going to my doxtor’s soon, I do talk to a psychologist and psychiatrist. My mom thinks that I don’t even qualify for assisted suicide. Maybe I could die from the next major surgery I have. My health is never gonna get any better and will just get worse and worse to the point of drowning. I think that sus should have just came live with me since I have a spare room in my house since my sister got married and moved out. He wouldn’t need to work at all, and he could get the best possible healthcare. I never knew he was extremely thin (and tiny). I guess I am not too thin weighing 100 pounds.

    Doctor assisted suicide is legal in California, Oregon, Washington, Colorado, Hawaii, Vertmont, and pending Montana’s Supreme Court ruling. I guess I really do need help since I am so suicidal from my health condition. Maybe dying from surgery may be a peaceful disaster.

    Posted March 19th by Weid man

    Weid, I can see where you are coming from. I would recommend talking to your doctors as I am sure your family would like for you to be in their lives for as long as possible.

    Posted March 19th by Q
    Q
     

    I see my doctor in the next few hours or so. Taking off the tubes at night to sleep wouldn’t even work they said since my stoma is fully developed and I woulnd’t get pneumonia from it. My doctor’s all know that I want to die this goes back well into last year. But now that I see that everyone feels they need me in real life and online even though I’m a lame duck this makes me halt my plans especially after what sussorous just did to himself yesterday. Maybe I’ll just die of complications from the next surgery I have to remove a giant tumor on my left quad. But I doubt the doctor would kill me unless I suffer a coma and end up in hospice. I’m only living on palliative care atm. As of now I am not predicted to die within the next six months but things could change overtime. I was predicted to die in 2014 so then I tried chemotherapy and that miraculously started working and may still be working, we won’t know unti I talk to my doctor about my recent MRI scans that I had last week. If results are bad then we’ll abort chemo.

    I wish the people here were more empathetic and pleasant to sus and help him with whatever he needed help with. I think all the chaos this site had last year might have scared him away.

    Posted March 19th by Weid man

    I should have been thinking about sus lately and not my own personal problems, should have asked if he could move in with me, he said he was lodging with mom. I don’t know exactly what he health problems were. I should have told him that he could get the best possible care here especially since UCSD is a renown medical institution. And all of the friends that O have made in real life who he could make. Fox forever and however come to my place every now and then. I know the sus was very young and wanted to learn more about gaming. Two of my friends work for Sony San Diego and I’ve got others who are hardcore gamers too. He needed money and real life friends which is something I have an abudancw of, and healthcare. I’m shocked to see him go so early in his life. Maybe pschiatry would have helped him, I’m on those meds too. Someone really needed to help him out. He shouldn’t have had to go through depression and loneliness.

    Posted March 19th by Weid man

    I wish the people here were more empathetic and pleasant to sus and help him with whatever he needed help with. I think all the chaos this site had last year might have scared him away.


    I talked to him after I saw him leave in private. I've basically always tried to help if there was some way I felt I could but I guess I could have talked to him more. Even so, it sounds like he was very grateful for it which gives me some closure at least. I'm sure he's grateful for a lot of what other people did too. People really went out their way to help him but I think there was only so much they felt they do for him after a while.

    I do hope you get better regardless.

    Edited March 19th by Knucklesthe2000th

    I'm pretty sure it wasn't the "chaos this site had". If I recall correctly he just felt like he wouldn't be missed. I'd have to look back though.

    Posted March 19th by Knucklesthe2000th

    Thank you Knuckles. I’m at the doctor’s now.

    Posted March 19th by Weid man

    Alright, so I can’t do polished and feeling like I won’t be able to stay here a whole lot longer so here’s this for the time.

    He had a message for GTX0. I’m sorry; this probably should have gon ein the OP. I didn’t really read his suicide note on Sunday. Like, I tried. I took in the organizational structure, basically, but I missed this address. It was nested in some longer text. And fuck, it’s been so hard to read his voice, if that makes sense. And reading it, he’s clearly in pain, all I want to do is comfort him, and I can’t anymore. I hate that he died thinking some of things. Ok sorry. Holy shit. Alright. Yours is relatively tame, no worries. Sorry. I’m getting my heart shredded. EDIT: The ellipses are places where he is addressing me and/or I just thought I should censor. I’m not really sure how he wanted me to do this. EDIT 2: He wasn’t his best self when he wrote this. Even his handwriting is breaking down. I don’t want it to be the last thing you think of him, please; remember something brighter.


    […] if you do post on gtx0, tell them also please that I’m so sorry. I was an imposter and really had no business being there. I couldn’t stop invading because I was so lonely that it was a physical feeling. Then I started asking people for help and it was all so purely selfish of me. […] they were there for me in some of my darkest times and in the end I can say they were the closest thing that felt like family, dysfunction and all (I say that w/ much fondness). Everyone helped me over the years. Some helped me without, I think, knowing it — or not knowing the full depth of their impact even if I tried to explain. They accepted me when I was messed up as well as when I was more able to be myself. [...] Tell Xhin thanks for the home. I hope it lives on, and that people have more fun again and feel okay. Mostly just tell everyone I’m so sorry for how I was so selfish and being a burden but that I always loved them, and wanted them to feel better. […] you don’t have to tell them anything if you don’t want. I’m sure no one would notice now, and that would be better. I just want to go away finally and leave them alone. But I want you to do what you want more. I hope they will feel relieved […]


    It devolves going on. Really hard for me to push "Post Message" on this, for some reason. I guess I don't know if it's the right thing to do.

    Edited March 19th by Cetasaurus
    Cetasaurus
    Formerly KM8

    I haven’t really sat down and processed all your replies. I think I’ve read most of them, but it’s been in kind of a fog. But I just want to say thank you. Your support and solidarity mean the world to me. It would kill me if I was his only witness. Too much of a burden. I need someone to share, and to know that other people saw his light and worth, especially because he never was able to himself. So I’m incredibly grateful he had you all, as individuals who cared about him and appreciated his unique presence, and as a community where he found some sense of belonging. I’m grateful that I’m not—never was—completely alone in loving him, and won’t be completely alone in missing him.

    I’m so sorry to those of you who are experiencing this grief as well. We tried really hard. Please don’t be mad at him.

    Posted March 19th by Cetasaurus
    Cetasaurus
    Formerly KM8

    I’m sure no one would notice now, and that would be better.


    There are very few times that I am at a loss for words. This is one of them.

    Posted March 19th by nullfather

    There were a few things I wanted to add to my list:
  • He had a unique sense of humor. I think it took me like a decade until I started picking up on it. It was usually pretty subtle. Unless he was using large hyperbole, which was also fun. Other times it was just cute, and like, tonally humorous. That’s probably what you saw here. Sometimes his humor got too dark or self-deprecating, though, as you might expect from someone who killed himself, I suppose.
  • His favorite emoji was the sunshine one: ☀️ When I got his iPod for him, he was very excited about the "cute emojis" that he got to use now.
  • Speaking of sunshine, some of you might recall I had a weird maybe-manic episode when I started my medication a few months back, and that I made some "irrational ebay purchases." One of those was a kalimba, which is a little handheld instrument. When it got to me, I was no longer manic, and I was like, "WTF am I gonna use this for? I cannot play music. I don’t even know what a note is." When susurrous was here, he picked it up and worked out how to play that tune that goes, "You are my sunshine," so it was worth it after all. It feels so fitting, like the kind of stuff he did a lot. He was always full of surprises and inspiration.
  • He told me he always wanted to visit the ocean at some point in his life. We were watching those David Attenborough docu-series on Netflix. I promised him we would drive to the coast someday, but we never did. He never left Idaho.

  • Posted March 19th by Cetasaurus
    Cetasaurus
    Formerly KM8

    I don’t want it to be the last thing you think of him, please; remember something brighter.


    I didn't know him as well as perhaps I could have but he was only ever a positive influence on this site and that is how I will remember him. I never really knew the full extent of what had happened in his life (though I had picked up bits and pieces from conversations with him and seeing his & your posts on GTX0) but if I had to describe his presence on this site it would be a beacon of light. As someone else said in this thread, whenever he showed up you knew everyone in the post was going to get along.

    We need a memorial page for this stuff. @Xhin?


    It would be nice to have a page dedicate to those who have passed, I am pretty sure we've had a few gametalk deaths. Not to try and distract from this particular case, just throwing the thought out there.

    As expensive as these things are, they may want to set up a memorial fund of some kind. I am confident that there are people here a gtx0 that would be willing to help out, if help is needed.


    Definitely.


    Also agreed. Even if funding is found from elsewhere it would be nice to have a GTX0 fund to put toward something.

    Posted March 19th by Moonray
    Moonray
     

    When susurrous was here, he picked it up and worked out how to play that tune that goes, "You are my sunshine," so it was worth it after all. It feels so fitting, like the kind of stuff he did a lot. He was always full of surprises and inspiration.

    He told me he always wanted to visit the ocean at some point in his life. We were watching those David Attenborough docu-series on Netflix. I promised him we would drive to the coast someday, but we never did. He never left Idaho.

    ..... Ill do my best to visit the coast for him this weekend. I am going to step away from this thread for a few hours/ days. these last two have me tearing up at work.

    Posted March 19th by S.O.H.
    S.O.H.
     

    He wrote me a nice letter and decided to buy me
    all on his own desire. I’m not mad at him at all, if he honestly felt that nothing would have worked out for him all I can wish is that can Rest In Peace.

    I talked to my doctor just now via text he said that the MRI results are stable and that I have to wait s few months before I can have that leg tumor removed especially since I’m scheduled to go to night gazer’s wedding in two months (xhin she lives in Phoenix now so you owe her a team Phoenix account to make it on topic she adores playing the Phoenix Wright video games she had it packed go to on her roadmap to grad school via RV). Guess Apollo should have gone with her. Back to the main topic I’m not gonna attempt suicide again even though I want to die already, I didn’t even ask the doctor for assisted suicide today. Hopefully I can die from complications when removing the massive leg tumor surgically. I gotta find the letter he wrote me.

    Posted March 19th by Weid man

    I'm sorry weid. I had to tag your letter as it contained some sensitive information.

    Posted March 19th by Cetasaurus
    Cetasaurus
    Formerly KM8

    Sensitive how? The address? I could zoom in and hide that if you wish.

    Posted March 19th by Weid mail

    At a loss for words, for once. All I can really muster is that yeah, Ceta, let us know if we can do anything. This is a lot to hold onto.



    Posted March 19th by Jet Presto

    I feel no anger or disappointment for Suss, only relief that he is finally at peace. They say that suicide is selfish and cruel to those you leave behind, and I suppose that in some cases, it is. In Suss' case, I don't feel that is true. He wasn't looking for attention or trying to hurt anyone. He lived a life of agony, most of which most of us probably don't even know. His weighing 65 pounds for a person his size and age is a major sign of physical issues, perhaps anorexia or bulimia. I am also unaware of what he experienced that caused him to suffer from PTSD. All I know is that I am proud of him for holding on as long as he did. He is in a much better place now.

    I am honored and privileged to have known him in even the non-rl, online only, capacity I did. I will always remember him as the eternally optimistic , friendly, and loving guy he was.

    Weid, I know we haven't spoken in awhile, but I want you to know that you are easily one of the strongest and toughest people I have ever known in my entire life. Even if, by God's grace, you were gone by morning, I'd still call you a survivor and a true warrior, because I'm not sure I would have lasted nearly as long in your position. New England can have their Patriots and Redsox, but I know in my heart, that it's people like you who are life long World Champions.

    Posted March 19th by Aurelian
    Aurelian
    Fire Lion
    Thunder Lion

    Thanks for sharing that post, ceta. I know it must have been hard.



    Posted March 20th by Xhin
    Xhin
    Nature is beautiful

    Thank you very much feral, you have always stood up for me for so long. I hope that sussorous is at peace now. I can’t fathom what he was going through with his health problems. He might have been terminally ill. There was one person who had nf2 who weighed only 51 pounds and died of carafic arrest at the end of 2016 and he was a huge gamer, actually found out about him from the group page on FB for all of the patients who have it and since I spotted the trifocals symbol from the legend of Zelda franchise as his profile photo I immediately started talking gaming to him, showed him GT (made a post with the username mastermind and Orion Nebula and gowhilo responded and greeted him). I only got to know the guy for two years before he passed and it’s terrible how people have to suffer from any form of disabilities.

    I first came across sussourus when the GT group page existed back in 2011. We talked a bit via FB over the years he was a very charming guy. He was homeless most of his life and living in a disadvantaged background, I don’t know what could have helped him but we for sure need to spend billions of dollars on all forms of healthcare both physically and psychologically (and socially if that counts as one). Fox forever is a sociologist here so he might know if this counts as part of health and human sciences. Sussouroue didn’t offend anyone at all, he was well loved by everyone. I hope I get to see him again in heaven.

    I just hope that everyone can end up whenever they want to go in the new land after they pass.

    Posted March 20th by Weid man

    I don’t know what to do now besides pray I am barely hanging onto my life now in utter pain and shit. I want to see sus again and find out how to communicate with everyone while on the other side. Not going to attempt suicide again though I just hope I die in my sleep. There’s no cure for my largely broken message-abody and many parts are inoperable without damage occurring like to my left hand. I don’t know what condition sus had but he might have just wanted an end to his suffering like I do. If he tried doing therapy before like I have then he did all that he could have done to try and help himself. Some things money can’t buy, for everything else there’s disabilities.

    Posted April 4th by Weid man

    Suicidal ideations are normal in people with disabilities.
    Feel free to talk about it. Before my grandpa commited suicide he suffered from something called ‘sundowing’ which means he got confused when it turned night time . From (Alzheimer’s) I always knew the last thing he said to me was very bizarre and then he propositioned me. I never told anyone in my family this because of his memory but at this time, I knew in the back of my head that after this he was suffering and might do it. A few week later I got the call. I took it has best I could i was at work but I knew he was at pace but at the same time sad he took the route of suicide. Because of this he made people feel there was something we could of done but we really couldn’t. There isn’t always something you can do sometimes people are at the edge and make their own choices.



    Edited April 5th by Brandy

    Although I didn't know him very much, its pretty clear he was one (perhaps still is) of the lights in this world. You have my sympathies for your loss.

    Posted April 5th by Forte Lambardi

    I don't know him but reading all these messages has been difficult seeing such a tragic loss of life. If anyone else here feels the same or similar please do share with us.

    Although I didn't know him very much, its pretty clear he was one (perhaps still is) of the lights in this world. You have my sympathies for your loss.


    Seeing your name in the post reminded me of the original Gametalk, Forte. If I remember correctly you were a regular on the depression forum and must have made hundreds (if not more?) replies to people with depression. Assuming you're the same person I just wanted to say thank you. Not because you ever helped me but I saw you help a lot of people for no other reason than you wanted to help people. I guess it's a weird time to thank you but it feels right when there are so many people in the world struggling to push through. I guess we just need to help each other as much as we can, even when it feels we aren't making the difference we want.








    Posted April 6th by Clarkey (forgot pass)

    Clarkey, sussorous was Jason byre on the Facebook group page that we were all in. Ceta is formerly km8 and invited him to it even though he never said anything there. I wish we could have all welcomed him there since that was gtx0’s prime. This site is basically in the pit as it is todsy. Brody bear (first mane was Norma) also committed suicide. I do not qualify for doctor assisted suicide so hopefully I can just die of accidental overdose one night. I want to die, but not means of suicide. There’s nothing that can fix dowbilities, meanwhile if you work hard and get a fair paying job it can pay off all the expenses that you owe. You don’t need any dangerous surgery or medicine to take to find your cure. Being disabled is like being enslaved and I bet the is how sussorous thought it was like and said “give me liberty or give me deathl” and since there was nothing out there to help how condition he chose to end himself peacefully for his sake but for the rest of us it is so tragic.

    Posted April 7th by Weid man

    I felt like posting here, but now I don’t know/remember what to say.

    I just miss him.

    Posted April 7th by Cetasaurus
    Cetasaurus
    Formerly KM8

    I am so sorry for your loss. Hopefully death will not be the Last of Us. I really want all or us to be able to live how we went in the afterlife and be able to see one another again somehow.

    Posted April 7th by Weid man

    He was homeless most of his life and living in a disadvantaged background, I don’t know what could have helped him but we for sure need to spend billions of dollars on all forms of healthcare both physically and psychologically (and socially if that counts as one). Fox forever is a sociologist here so he might know if this counts as part of health and human sciences.


    Elemtilas and I, and a few others from the former cwbb, have been talking about various ideas that might make these problems (or at least some problems a bit like them) be not as bad, or not get worse, or at least slow down their worsening.
    We were discussing in the context of worldbuilding; so it may seem too fictional or abstract for this thread, especially for those repliers who suffered a personal loss.
    But I hope some of you will look at some of what we’ve said, and maybe add your own ideas.

    Posted April 8th by chiarizio

    had no idea sus was homeless this makes
    More sense now

    Edited April 8th by Brandy

    And actually I just now realize there was someone on the old gametalk nicknamed boltman who lived in San Diego and was br0ke but committed suicide by jumping off the Coronado bridge back in 2012, I had him added on Facebook and his mom updated his Facebook timeline one day in 2012 saying that he passed away and I was confused how and since he had a few mutual friends with me on Facebook then his friend from my church told me the sad story and he was her best friend. Fox forrever and vandy would remember him (boltfan2004/bobtroid on aim).

    Posted April 8th by Weid man

    I know someone else who committed suicide from GT but I am not going to say their name here, we were Facebook friends and the only person I talked to from Gametalk post old GT owned by Mike. We eventually just stopped talking to one another but one day I had went onto Facebook to check and see how I people were doing and I saw in memorandum. I looked at the comments and eventually found out what happens. It’s just a reminder that what you see on the outside isn’t always what it seems.

    Posted April 8th by Brandy

    Was there any medicine that could have helped sus? He was living with his mom the last time I spoke to him here earlier this year.

    Posted April 8th by Weid man

    I've been thinking about this a lot, and I honestly don't think there's anything any of us could have said, or done, to prevent this. Sometimes people are just beyond your reach. I've had this happen with friends where no matter how I try to reach out to them, they just don't want to be reached out to. People learn things from their experiences, and then act on what they've learned. Nothing you say is really going to help there.

    I had this happen to me once, except *I* was the person who couldn't be reached. My friend was trying to get through to me, but it didn't work because what she was saying didn't make sense. If I was more mature then, I might have instead thought "oh, this is something that works for her". But either way I was unreachable.

    Posted April 8th by Xhin
    Xhin
    Nature is beautiful

    I guess it's a weird time to thank you but it feels right when there are so many people in the world struggling to push through

    i appreciate that. Yes, I am the same Forte Lambardi from the old GT forums. Nice to see you around here also (I remember seeing you around too).

    From what I see, it's easy for people to crap on each other (as a matter of fact I see it dailiy), but I refuse to perpetuate that nonsense as life is hard enough as is. it's clear susurrous was a light of this world, but I doubt that he'll be forgotten (not by any means) due to the impact he had on people.

    Edited April 8th by Forte Lambardi

    I won’t forgot him at all. I remember one tome he made a post about being sad and I told him about a time I was sad and told him about the saddest time I ever been when I lost my dog Mitzy and we talked a lot time about things that make us happy and sad. When I read this post the first time I said to myself before reading it in my back of my head I hope this isn’t about sus. I was reluctant to even click on the thread but I saw the newest replies and I read what poptat said and I was at a loss for words. When I finally did read it I was thinking about the suicide the entire day. You don’t know about sadness ifuntil you experienced someone you care about die from suicide and this is the third time I felt the impact of suicide on a personal level. And then I read about weids suicide attempt then thought please not another one but I think he’s ok now(not healthy I know)but not in the mindset of suicidr

    Posted April 9th by Brandy

    There's a Facebook post that he made a few years ago that cracked me the hell up amd made me think "classic sus" given what jappened I don't think its appropriate for me to post it.

    If you guys have him on Fb I encourage you to read over his posts. His posts brought me some comfort.

    Edited April 9th by S.o.h.
    S.o.h.
     

    He was funny but not a dismissive joker, insightful but not pretentious, honest but not obnoxious. He did not share his burdens easily.

    There have been many times when my thoughts of him and his gentler way stayed me from tearing into someone.

    Posted April 9th by Cruinn-Annuin

    Thinking of you two.

    I met Jason almost a decade ago. We didn't talk much any more toward the end. Missing him.

    Posted April 11th by Ophelia

    I miss him too. About a year ago when I was goingin for one chemo treatment I wrote up a long text to the nurse telling her to cancel the chemo treatment and that I am going through so much pain and wanted and still want to die. The nurse freaked out and called the doctor and the doctor said cancel the treatment and wait and try and schedule the surgery which I needed then and there is another pressing one I need to this day. My mom cried all night long and still can’t seem to let me go. I honestly hope that I die from this upcoming surgery and not have to go through the process of drowning anymore. Suicide may be wrong yes, I won’t attempt that again but the only other thing that can possibly help end my life is a successful failures surgery. A peaceful way to end my life of torture. You can take my parents wealth when I’m gone. You don’t even need any medicine I bet.

    I hope that I can see Jason again in the afterlife. I’m not sure what exactly his health problems were but it seems to be the they were incurable also.

    Posted Wednesday by Weid man

    I'm sorry, weid. I don't really know what else to say. NF2 is terrible. I know you said palliative care was on board, so I guess they've likely offered coping resources and family talks, things like that.

    Posted Yesterday Afternoon by Ophelia

    Yes a lot of nurses 24/7, I don’t even think I can make it to night gazer’s wedding next month which I have to fly to. The soonest they can do surgery on me is on May 28th which is three days AFTER the wedding. A nurse practitioner is coming to my house today soon, hopefully they can somehow convince the hospital to do surgery on me ASAP.

    Posted Yesterday Afternoon by Weid man

    Went to chemo today doctor said he cannot move it up. So I’ll just try and go to night gazer’s wedding next month and hope I die in the operating room when returning home for surgery. Fox forever can give you all my parents wealth he’s been to my house like ten times already just a two hour drive from where he’s at. Surgery is really the only way where I can die peacefully. Keep sussorous in your spirits and you may see him in your dreams. I am really sad how we didn’t reach out to him well. He could have taken my sister’s vacant bedroom to lodge in since she’s married and found a house to live in.

    Posted Yesterday Evening by Weid man
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